Monday, June 21, 2010

Happy Being Unhappy??

My older sister called me tonight, and she's probably regretting it! She asked me if I was excited about my upcoming trip "back home" and I pretty much let her have it...

"How can I be happy about a trip that allows me no time for myself? As it is, I'm already pissing people off about this time together, and that's only one person! I'm sick and tired of flying into Denver and speeding around trying to please people! It's impossible! I don't want to do it any more! I didn't even want to make this trip!" Etc., etc., etc.,...wherein my "sister with the most caring, loving heart in the world said, "Whoa! It's time for me to go eat dinner! I'll talk to you later in the week!""

Yup, that's how I feel. And I'm okay with it. It doesn't feel great, but it's what I am right now. And I'm learning not to care what others think of me, so if I decide I want to be unhappy about making this trip, it's my stuff. I'm sure that, once I get there, I'll be fine. Amy (baby sis) and I will have some time together and I'll spend the first night with her. The rest of the time? I have no clue...haven't been part of the planning process! I'm just sort of waiting for folks to tell me where to go and where to sleep and where to eat. Then, four days later, we'll all fly home together -- one happy family! LOL

The part that is so hard for me is that I've realized there is nowhere I can call "home" any more. I have no place that we "own" - I don't have my parent's home to stay at in Denver - I don't have anywhere in Denver that is even considered home any more. Do I miss Denver? NO! Do I miss people in Denver? YES! There is a big difference, but I no longer call Denver my home.

And part of me thinks I'd feel differently about things if we owned a home where we are. But we don't. We live in a Rectory -- on a busy street, right next door to the church -- with neighbors on our other side, really close, who trim our trees and drive me crazy....and they speak very little English. Yes, I'm lonely! And, even worse, I'm bored out of my mind. Being bored is one of the hardest things I've ever experienced in my entire 57+ years of living.

I wish I knew how to become "unbored" but I do not. Working two part-time jobs has not seemed to solve the problem, only enhance it. Going to work was my ultimate reason out of boredom. It just hasn't been successful. Should I apologize? Maybe only to myself, since it's me that needs to figure out the next step. So, "Self! I am sorry! Hopefully the next adventure will be more fulfilling, and you won't feel like you've been dropped  into a vat of boredom. My promise to you is to find something unique - something fulfilling - something FUN - for you to or no money involved. You deserve to feel happy and at home. My intention is to make that happen for YOU.

There! I've said it. Keep watching!!


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