Found it...

...don't even ask me where it was, or how it got there. Oh dear!

I've been reconsidering many things lately. Like, "Why do I worry so much about what others think of me?" and "Does it matter that I'm not a clean freak like some people I know?"

Simple questions.

Simple answers, becoming more often "NO!!" I'm so proud of myself!

Recently some family "conversations" have gotten the best of me - to the point where I said, "I'm going to have to stop talking to you now, because I need to really think about what I need to say next!" This is not baby steps. This is huge.

And I do get back to them. And, hard as it is, I've said exactly what I've needed to say. It scares the hell out of me. But I have to get this sh*t out of my head! I can't hold it inside any longer. So, taking the time to think it through and being thoughtful in my response is BIG GIRL STEPS.

And, I don't really care about what they think of me because of it.

Part of me hopes they're wondering, "Gee! What got into Mary?" The other part of me hopes they're saying, "Wow! Mary is really learning how to take care of herself!" Unfortunately, the "baby steps me" hears the former much louder than the latter.

I had a nice talk with my son this evening. During our discussion, I expressed to him that "I'm just going to stop worrying about what other people think of me!" He said, "Mom, that's a good thing!" He is so smart. But the most important thing - and I stressed this to my son - is to "get that sh*t out of my head so it doesn't take over my life. My intent was to try to teach him to not be like me...this middle-aged woman who has let worry eat most of her lunches for the past 45 years. Even though we're not genetically related, my son is my most important life thing right now. He always will be. I don't know where or who he comes from. But I want to be able to show him how to live freely and honestly and without regret. I don't want him to be like me...like I have been. But I'm changing!

Awhile back, I wrote in my journal something that still strikes me as very poignant every time I read it. It says,

"Home is only a NOITCELFER of who you are.
Maybe you can't go home;
but you can be the person you've become
for having been there.
Hold your home in your heart!
Keep it beating...always a part of YOU.
It's okay to be homesick.
Love who you were there, but
LIVE WHERE YOU ARE!"

So, there you have it. Here I am. Watch me...and keep reminding me, please!