It's hotter than blazes here today, but that's not why I'm here. On Blissfully Art Journaling, today's journal prompt was to "write about your dog." That idea didn't really appeal to me, so I went out on the porch to catch some of the slight breeze. At one point, I looked down at my feet and was literally shocked to see that there was dog poop all over the soles of my flip flops! It was dry, so I hadn't discovered it in the house - it had happened last night. When? I couldn't remember walking in the grass in the dark. Dumbfounded!

I took off my shoes and walked through the house to go put them on the deck to clean. When I opened the door, the deck was all wet from a "recent scrubbing and washing" by my husband. I heard him behind me, "I already cleaned it up!" Great, I thought -- glad I didn't know there was a mess, but wish I'd known when I came out here last night and didn't turn on the light! Anyway, I put my shoes in the bucket by the door -- just too hot right now to worry about them. And I looked down into that bucket and thought, "That just about sums up life sometimes: I just put my shitty shoes in the bucket until I feel like cleaning them up."

Well, that's all for now. I'm going to get my work done so I can go upstairs and turn on the window air conditioner in the TV room and just veg for the rest of the day. Maybe tomorrow I'll clean my shoes. Maybe not!

Happy Being Unhappy??

My older sister called me tonight, and she's probably regretting it! She asked me if I was excited about my upcoming trip "back home" and I pretty much let her have it...

"How can I be happy about a trip that allows me no time for myself? As it is, I'm already pissing people off about this time together, and that's only one person! I'm sick and tired of flying into Denver and speeding around trying to please people! It's impossible! I don't want to do it any more! I didn't even want to make this trip!" Etc., etc., etc.,...wherein my "sister with the most caring, loving heart in the world said, "Whoa! It's time for me to go eat dinner! I'll talk to you later in the week!""

Yup, that's how I feel. And I'm okay with it. It doesn't feel great, but it's what I am right now. And I'm learning not to care what others think of me, so if I decide I want to be unhappy about making this trip, it's my stuff. I'm sure that, once I get there, I'll be fine. Amy (baby sis) and I will have some time together and I'll spend the first night with her. The rest of the time? I have no clue...haven't been part of the planning process! I'm just sort of waiting for folks to tell me where to go and where to sleep and where to eat. Then, four days later, we'll all fly home together -- one happy family! LOL

The part that is so hard for me is that I've realized there is nowhere I can call "home" any more. I have no place that we "own" - I don't have my parent's home to stay at in Denver - I don't have anywhere in Denver that is even considered home any more. Do I miss Denver? NO! Do I miss people in Denver? YES! There is a big difference, but I no longer call Denver my home.

And part of me thinks I'd feel differently about things if we owned a home where we are. But we don't. We live in a Rectory -- on a busy street, right next door to the church -- with neighbors on our other side, really close, who trim our trees and drive me crazy....and they speak very little English. Yes, I'm lonely! And, even worse, I'm bored out of my mind. Being bored is one of the hardest things I've ever experienced in my entire 57+ years of living.

I wish I knew how to become "unbored" but I do not. Working two part-time jobs has not seemed to solve the problem, only enhance it. Going to work was my ultimate reason out of boredom. It just hasn't been successful. Should I apologize? Maybe only to myself, since it's me that needs to figure out the next step. So, "Self! I am sorry! Hopefully the next adventure will be more fulfilling, and you won't feel like you've been dropped  into a vat of boredom. My promise to you is to find something unique - something fulfilling - something FUN - for you to do...money or no money involved. You deserve to feel happy and at home. My intention is to make that happen for YOU.

There! I've said it. Keep watching!!

XO
Mary

Found it...

...don't even ask me where it was, or how it got there. Oh dear!

I've been reconsidering many things lately. Like, "Why do I worry so much about what others think of me?" and "Does it matter that I'm not a clean freak like some people I know?"

Simple questions.

Simple answers, becoming more often "NO!!" I'm so proud of myself!

Recently some family "conversations" have gotten the best of me - to the point where I said, "I'm going to have to stop talking to you now, because I need to really think about what I need to say next!" This is not baby steps. This is huge.

And I do get back to them. And, hard as it is, I've said exactly what I've needed to say. It scares the hell out of me. But I have to get this sh*t out of my head! I can't hold it inside any longer. So, taking the time to think it through and being thoughtful in my response is BIG GIRL STEPS.

And, I don't really care about what they think of me because of it.

Part of me hopes they're wondering, "Gee! What got into Mary?" The other part of me hopes they're saying, "Wow! Mary is really learning how to take care of herself!" Unfortunately, the "baby steps me" hears the former much louder than the latter.

I had a nice talk with my son this evening. During our discussion, I expressed to him that "I'm just going to stop worrying about what other people think of me!" He said, "Mom, that's a good thing!" He is so smart. But the most important thing - and I stressed this to my son - is to "get that sh*t out of my head so it doesn't take over my life. My intent was to try to teach him to not be like me...this middle-aged woman who has let worry eat most of her lunches for the past 45 years. Even though we're not genetically related, my son is my most important life thing right now. He always will be. I don't know where or who he comes from. But I want to be able to show him how to live freely and honestly and without regret. I don't want him to be like me...like I have been. But I'm changing!

Awhile back, I wrote in my journal something that still strikes me as very poignant every time I read it. It says,

"Home is only a NOITCELFER of who you are.
Maybe you can't go home;
but you can be the person you've become
for having been there.
Hold your home in your heart!
Keep it beating...always a part of YOU.
It's okay to be homesick.
Love who you were there, but
LIVE WHERE YOU ARE!"

So, there you have it. Here I am. Watch me...and keep reminding me, please!

Thought For The Day

This is strange...I posted a new entry here just the other night, and it's nowhere to be found. I do not like it when that happens!

Anyway, part of what I wrote was about how I'm really working on making this my home, and accepting my life here in Central Massachusetts:

Home is only a NOITCELFER of who you are.

Maybe you can't go home;

but you can be the person you've become for having been there.

Hold your home in your heart! Keep it beating...always a part of YOU!

It's okay to be homesick.

Love who you were there,

but live where you are!

Reminiscing

A funny thing happened this morning. I belong to a group of "eclectic" artist-type folks. One of them posted some pictures from her Tumblr account, showing shots of her garden's growth and progress. It reminded me that I used to have a blog on Tumblr, and then I discovered it's still there. And I really enjoyed looking back through it and seeing how things "used to be" about 2-3 years ago! If you'd like to have a look, here's the link: http://worcesterrfw.tumblr.com/

It's been awhile since I posted anything significant here...life has been up and down and sideways, sort of. I feel like the merry-go-round is slowing down and my feet will be firmly on the ground soon. Thank goodness, because I'm not good with whirlwind and overstimulation and too much, too much, too much - in my heart and in my head and in my life. Ugh. Just slow all of me down, Lord, and give me a few days of nothing. Hey, I can dream, can't I?

Jonathan is off to school for his first Final of the year - this one today is English. He should do fine. Tonight, he and his dad are going to see The Dave Matthews Band somewhere east of here. I was invited, but had personally never heard of the DMB until talk of this concert came up. Maybe part of my wish (see above) is going to happen after all! They will leave right after Jonathan gets out of school, have a little tailgate party with leftover Chinese food, go to the concert and get home pretty late. I'm sure they'll have a great time. I'm pretty sure I'll have a great time, too!

It's been a busy weekend filled with RAIN, RAIN, RAIN,dancing at the church picnic that we moved indoors, crying at the double baptism of two beautiful sisters yesterday morning, being with incredible folks and feeling like family, and noticing my body go down, down, down and by the time I went to bed last night I had no voice and a really sore throat. Today my throat is better, but I still sound like a frog.But I have a beautiful garden! Happy Monday!