Sunday, April 18, 2010

Pockets full of...

...not trusting you.

I dislike that introduction very a lot. It is all about my incredibly loving, warm, sincere son whom I love with all my heart and soul and being. It hurts me to write this!

But I have been deceived. Lied to. My heart has been ripped open, and a piece of me died today. All because my teenage son decided it was more important to lie to me than to tell someone else, "No!"

I've cried. I've yelled. For a few hours, I wouldn't let him be in a room without me in it. I did not trust him.

In one of my pockets is his cell phone. Off limits, due to trust issues. In my other pocket is his iTouch. Off limits, due to trust issues. Internet? I don't think so! Not for a good long while. But I refuse to carry a computer in my pocket.

I know teenagers are mixed up and growing and changing and learning and figuring all at the same time. Some days, I'm surprised he wants to get up and do it all over again. Part of me thinks I would just beg illness. But he does get up. He goes to school because he enjoys it. Not so much for the academics (drat!), but because he needs to be with his peers. He loves his teachers, too. What parent doesn't want that for their child?

Right now, though, I'd rent him out for $2 an hour. Any takers? He's great at conversation, and will knock your socks off if you talk politics with him (best if you're a Democrat, I might add). He'll say the blessing over your meal and never even wince at being asked. And he's pretty good with etiquette, if you make sure the salad bowl is in the right spot.

There's no way I'd wish to be 14 again. I've been there; I've done that; I do not want to ever go through that agony again. So I try to be patient. But now I'm the parent. I try to remember if I ever pulled anything like this? Maybe? Most of me says, "No way!" but then, what the heck do teenagers remember? Why would I keep that memory?

I could ask my Dad, but part of me thinks that one of the roles of being a parent is to "conveniently forget" things your children did as teenagers. Once they become responsible, self-sustaining adults, who wants to talk about the arguments and denials and b.s?

My pockets are filled with "I don't trust you" things tonight. They'll remain full until it feels safe to give them back...which might be awhile! But, as I told my wonderful, loving son earlier this evening: "There is nothing in this world that could take away my love for you, be it anger, distrust, disappointment...whatever happens - whatever becomes of you - I will be your mother and I will love you!"

Hopefully...that sounds so selfish!...some day, he will repeat those words to his own teenager.

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