Vermongelin

2012-01-26T17:53:00.000-08:00

You can kiss your family and friends good-bye and put miles between you, but at the same time you carry them with you in your heart, your mind, your stomach, because you do not just live in a world but a world lives in you. --- Frederick Buechner

I just read this quote a few minutes ago, and cannot stop reading it. Of course, the first thing I thought about was the fact that I've been ignoring my family and best friends...or so they might feel.

This is my S.A.D. time. It sneaks up on me every year and I wonder what the heck is wrong with me, and then I remember. Oh, that's right. It's November... December... January... February... March... then the days start to get noticeably longer and the sun shines warmer and I get back to being me, and back to being the me that others want and miss. I'm not doing this to hurt anyone. I just don't know how not to do what I'm doing right now. You know who you are. Chances are, if you're reading this, you feel like I've been ignoring you. You have every right to be upset with me. I'm sorry if I've hurt your feelings.

I'm going to take a Mixed Media Collage class in the evenings this year, which hopefully will give me a bit of a new outlook on life and inspire me...maybe even motivate me! I am really looking forward to this opportunity at the Art Museum. Tomorrow at the museum is Flora in Winter, which is also a breath of Spring in the midst of the grayness we're surrounded by. I'm going (with a friend!) and am pretty excited. Just the scent of those lovely flowers, designed to match a special piece of art. Scrumptuous.

I'm here. I'm fine...physically. I'm still fat and sassy, just not willing to express that side of me right now. My family is all good. The three of us are also beginning to plan our trip to Ireland this summer. Time is getting nearer, and we are making definite plans! Yes, this is exciting! I have a lot to look forward to, though you wouldn't know it from being with me.

That's all for now. Please go back to the top and read that quote again. Know that I care about you. I miss you, too, but can't bring myself to do anything about it.That's just who I am, and I'm sorry.

See you soon. XOXOXOXO

Remembering Katie at 21

2011-11-03T18:19:00.000-07:00

11/11/11 will be "what would have been" our daughter Katie's 21st birthday.
I spent all of October dreading November because it is the beginning of "sad dates" for me. So, when we found out on Monday that my husband has pneumonia, it did not sit well. Pneumonia is what killed Katie, at the young age of 7 years and 3 months.

So, tonight I was talking on the phone with my sister and mentioned the "11/11/11" fact. Her reply was, "Really? Oh, my God! That makes me feel so old!" Silence...disbelief...other thoughts unmentionable...

Then she said, "What do you think she would have been doing?" I responded, "Well, I'm not sure, but it would have been something and I would have loved to watch."

But then it was time for the Rachel Maddow Show, so my sister had to go because she could not miss the interview with Michael Moore from Denver. Whatever.

And my family wonders why I feel forgotten out here...will they remember on 11/11/11 that it is an important date - an especially difficult date - for me? Probably not. They haven't in the past. They probably just think we're over it.

Well, I'm here to say - once again - that YOU GET THROUGH IT, BUT YOU NEVER GET OVER IT.

And that is the truth. Remember your friends, and keep track of important dates and send them love. Especially if they are far away, without family support. They get tired of telling the story, and since you already know it, remind them that you do...and that you remember...and that you love them.
I'm just sayin'.

Happy Birthday, sweet Katie. I'm posting this early, because you deserve all the greetings I can muster for you on your special day. I miss you, and I love you, and know you are just fine.
Love, Mama

Inspired by the ocean...

2011-10-25T05:16:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago we took a day trip to the coast. We packed a picnic lunch and drove to Parker River Nat'l Wildlife Refuge. There are several beaches there. This day, hardly anyone was around so it was a real treat - especially since the weather was drop dead gorgeous. Here is a little photo blog of our time there. I love the ocean. It soothes my soul, inspires me and makes me feel whole. It was nice to have the space to really soak it all in this day. As you can see, the sky was incredibly clear and deep. The lines you see are all jet streams from a nearby airport. Isn't that fascinating?

After we left the beach, we drove to Newburyport where Jonathan got to spend some time with his friends who moved there last year. They had a wonderful time, while Warren and I sat in the sun in the Town Common.

On the way out of town we drove by the SSJE Abby to see if there was anything of interest in the way of foliage. This is the road we drove in on...and out on. Wow!

Driving back to Worcester, the traffic was horrid. But we listened to some great music and I kept looking at my photos, holding on to that beautiful day.

Make new friends, but keep the old!!

2011-09-15T17:19:00.000-07:00

Last weekend, I flew from Boston to Detroit to Akron. As promised, Juliann was at the airport to greet me. She looked "the same" even though we have not seen each other in 17 years.

Thursday, the day I arrived, was Juliann's 60th birthday. We went out to a lovely Italian restaurant for dinner...great food, wine, coffee...so good! And we talked, and we talked, and we talked. It was as if time had stood still for us. We just picked right up where we'd left off.

That, to me, is the sign of a true friendship! We shared our lives and our hopes and our sorrows and our disappointments and our dreams. Can you say "BEAUTIFUL"?? It was.

Happy New Year, dear Juliann! Thank you for letting me help you enter into a beautiful new life. You have so much going on - you really care about people and you're smart and funny and nice. Maybe you should run for President! But I hope you don't. Life will be good to you. Be patient. Keep smiling...and perhaps, along the way, teach me how to do the same. XOXOXOXOXO

Winding Down The Season...

2011-09-03T11:55:00.000-07:00

This afternoon I took a drive out to my favorite farm stand. Even though they are in the midst of harvesting, it still felt like things were missing. Things like the best radishes I've ever tasted, and a lack of fresh carrots. It reminded me that the summer is coming to a close. Pretty soon, the farm stand will close as well. Sigh.
But there are still many wonderful items for purchase, and I took advantage of the fresh white corn on the cob, escarole, apples, cauliflower, and green beans. The colors!! Eat your heart out.

God Bless Graham

2011-08-30T17:33:00.000-07:00

I have lost a friend.

Graham Harling died during the night between Monday and Tuesday of this week. Graham is the beloved husband of my dear friend Tereza. They live in South Africa. I have never met them, but I love each of them dearly.

I know Tereza from CCS. She tells of her life with Graham: celebrating their anniversary; enjoying visits from children and grandchildren; shopping in the nearby village; enjoying each other's company and having lunch at local restaurants.

Tereza is a wonderful portrait artist. You should do a Google search of Tereza Harling Art and see what comes up. She is famous. I've never met her, but I love her.

I've shared my joys and sorrows with her. She's shared her frustrations and expectations with me. And then Graham got very, very ill. He never bounced back from his surgery. One day, he had three months to live. Another day, it was down to one month. And then, two days ago, he died. I am very, very sad.

But I know that Graham is sitting at the banquet table in that far off place, sitting next to all the people I love and miss! He's a vegan, so I know the table is full of fresh fruit and roasted vegetables. He is smiling, and he feels good. He misses his Tereza. She misses him, but she know he is okay. I know he's okay. Dear Lord, please let his spirit live among those who will miss him on this earth!

Happy New Year...To Me!!

2011-08-20T20:05:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow, August 21st, is my birthday. I thought I'd share some photos with you from the past year, just for the fun of it.

This was taken this aftenoon at Cournoier's Farm in Paxton, MA. They have the most wonderful, fresh vegetables in the world! I can't wait to try and paint this.

Let's not forget the horrid winter we experienced here in New England. UGH. It was a long one!

And how can I forget the wonderful trip we took to visit friends in Austin, TX in February? What fun, and such a great place to have good friends.

I had so much fun learning to draw and paint at the Worcester Art Museum! I'll be doing more of that, for sure.

I can't forget to mention how much Jonathan has grown during the last year, can I? Isn't he handsome and wonderful?

Oh, and when I was in Texas in February I got to meet my friend Malinda from CCS! We had a great time together - she's as crazy "live" as she is online!! Love you, Malinda!!

I'm trying to decide if I should take an "intense" acrylic painting class or learn about watercolors...I've really loved playing with watercolors the last few months, but love this acrylic landscape.

We're just a few days back to reality from our camping trip to Maine. It was so awesome. I miss the ocean so much! Wonderful times with incredible people, with so many great memories.

And so there's a "picture" of my year. This year is going to be a good one, I just feel it in my bones. Stay tuned for more information.

Thanks for looking!

XO

Making Faces

2011-07-29T19:35:00.000-07:00

I belong to CoachCreativeSpace, which is a social network of very interesting people...all creative in one form or another. Tereza, who is an accomplished artist from South Africa, started a challenge whereby we "recreate" in our own style the work of a master. Her first offering was from Modigliani - a portrait of his wife Jeanne. You can do an internet search to find the original, but here is my first version of her, done in graphite:

Not being completely satisfied with myself, I went to my conté crayons and gave Jeanne another shot:

I'm not trying to be a "master" but it's so much fun re-creating something like this a la Mary!! In the next week or so, I'm going to try another one of Modi's masterpieces and see what I come up with. If you are so willing, please give this a try! There are no rules, except to enjoy the process.

Pandamania!

2011-07-21T18:46:00.000-07:00

This week, St. Luke's Worcester has been hosting vacation bible school - what we have always referred to as Summer Celebration. From 9-12:30 each morning, we've hosted 70 children from all over town for a taste of just how God's love still reigns.

On Monday, the children banded their t-shirts to be tie-dyed. On Tuesday morning, when they returned, here's what they were greeted with.

Tomorrow is (already!) our last day. The heat has been intense, and we're working hard to keep everyone hydrated. But these kids - I tell ya! They are constant reminders that God is watching over us! They'll be the first to tell you, too.

Nothing like a good cry!

2011-07-11T13:03:00.000-07:00

The alarm went off at 3 a.m. and we both jumped out of bed in anticipation of seeing Jonathan in just a couple of hours! His flight was to arrive in Boston at 5 a.m. My feet hit the floor...I felt like a bus had driven over me during the night...then I remembered.

Jonathan has been visiting his cousins in Colorado for the last two weeks. The first week, he was in Granby at my in-laws' home. Warren's sister and her family joined them up there. After Warren returned to Worcester, Jonathan went to Denver and was entertained by my siblings. He had a wonderful time.

Yesterday, my brother David was good about keeping me informed of their whereabouts by sending me photos regularly. The last one he sent - just as I was going off to "early bed" really got to me. Here it is.

He's standing in front of our house on Utica Street in Denver. It's the house we - his new family - brought him home to at the age of ten months. It's the house where he learned to walk and throw a ball and ride a bicycle. It's the house where he walked to school from for Pre-K at Centennial School (who could forget Ms. Garbish?). It's a house of wonderful Hicks family memories - fun family events on the deck, with our great big back yard and wonderful swing set. It's the house where I learned to love to garden. It's the house where we had neighbors...and we knew their names, and they knew ours and we looked out for each other, all up and down the street. It's the house where Katie picked marigolds to take to her 5th grade teacher that Fall that seems so long ago...the Fall before she died, right there in that house. It's a house of some sad memories. But mostly, seeing it makes me very happy.

So when I saw this photo, my heart just swelled with happiness and sadness and prosperity and loss. And I had the most incredible cry - loud and tearful and unabashed. Nobody heard me, as Warren was upstairs asleep. That's okay, I didn't really want any sympathy or attention. I just wanted to cry. I just needed to have a really good, hard cry.

Jonathan is home! It's so exciting to have him here. We're celebrating his birthday with his favorite meal this evening - corned beef, cabbage, potatoes and carrots. He's such a good boy. I love him so much, and am so very thankful that he waited for us.

Rules or No Rules?

2011-06-27T12:38:00.000-07:00

I've just completed my nine-week Portrait Drawing class. And, for the last two weeks, I have been very busy doing abstract creations in my Art Journal.

My heart is much happier after I finish a piece in my Art Journal that it has ever been after one of my drawing classes. So...

I think what this is telling me is that:

1) Knowing how to draw is important, and you have to practice to really ever "get there"...unless, of course, it comes naturally to you.
2) Following the "rules" of drawing (or, of my drawing instructor) irritate me.
3) Having "no rules" in the process of making abstract art makes my heart so happy!

So, I'm not going to take any more drawing classes. But I'll keep drawing because I understand what I've learned is important, and it would be a waste to lose that. I've figured out my "style" and enjoy it.
BUT, I'm going to keep doing abstract art until there isn't any left inside of me. It is so much fun to just sit down, grab a medium out of the blue, and "see what happens!" No rules, baby. That's my style.

Here is some of what I've been working on lately.

Super 8

2011-06-18T20:37:00.000-07:00

I have not seen a new-release film in its first few days in a long time. Tonight, we went to see "Super 8" and I am here to tell you - "DON'T MISS IT!"

I am not a fan of horror films. But I did love "Stand By Me."

"Super 8" is a combo of "Stand By Me" and SciFi Horror. Somehow, magically, this movie ties it all together in a soft, meaningful way. Afterwards, you will discover all the ways they make fun of directors and Hollywood and horror. But while you're watching it, you will be tied to your seat, eyes wide open.

Jonathan was "all over me" by the end of the film, he was so frightened. But when we were driving home, Warren mentioned how it all came together for him when the guy in the row behind us yelled (towards the end), "LET GO OF THE GUN!" We all laughed out loud, and that's when the horror became entertainment.

Go see this movie! It's worth it. It could not have worked better with a famous cast. It's beautiful and touching and stupid and scary all rolled into one. It's also PG-13. Do not take your young children. There was a couple in front of us with their grandchild who must not have been ten years old. I found myself looking over at him several times...to see (and you'll understand why if you see the movie) if he was vomiting. Really, it's fun! Go see it. Tell me, PLEASE, if you do.

I can't believe I sat through it and loved it!

Jumping With June Joy

2011-06-17T05:17:00.000-07:00

I've been a member of Coach Creative Space for almost four years, and this month CCS is celebrating its fourth birthday. Members were asked to share, in our "favorite form" what we have gained from the myriad of people and discussions which make up this community. Here is what I submitted:

I have grown so much - especially with my artistic expression - from being part of this group. The friendships that have come with it are just icing on the cake...and they are genuine, good friends. We all come and go, but we all keep being there for each other and encouraging one another to keep after what makes our hearts happy. So, to "Dan the Man" and all my special friends at CCS, "Happy Birthday and Thank You!" from me.

Check it out if you need a place to share your creative mind and spirit with the world! http://coachcreativespace.ning.com/

Better than Christmas!

2011-05-29T20:48:00.000-07:00

Today was a SURPRISE...nearly every part of it. You have no idea how my spirits have been lifted as a result of an unplanned, spontaneous day. Who knew how badly I needed this?

I woke up early and drank coffee and listened to the very vocal birds while I waited for the Sunday paper to be delivered. Warren woke up and started getting ready "for work." The paper arrived, and I sat on the porch and devoured it, enjoying more coffee and the wonderful coolness of the bright morning.

After I got Jonathan up, I made a decision that "today is my day off, and I'm going to use it as such!" Jonathan came downstairs in his new suit (what a handsome young man!), had breakfast, and left for church. He had a "duty" this morning, so sending him off alone was not a problem. I watched him (eagerly, full of anticipation) go down the sidewalk to the church. I locked the door and nearly RAN upstairs to my "play room." I opened the windows and turned on the fan. And I sat down at my work table and finished a journal background page that I started yesterday. Layers and layers, a little texture, some more layers of color. I love it.

Warren called and said, "How about going to Newburyport today instead of tomorrow?" "GREAT!" was my reply. Are you kidding? A trip to the coast which might involve a trip to a beach? NO PROBLEM.

When Jonathan came home, I told him about our plan. He has some wonderful friends (who used to be our neighbors) who live there. He asked if he could call "the girls" and of course, I said "YES!" These girls are identical twins and they and Jonathan have a bond that will last forever. He was so excited, and I could hear them screaming through the phone when he told them we were coming.

So...we left Worcester about 1:00. There was a bad accident on the highway, which added about 30 minutes to our drive. But we arrived to find a wonderful festival going on in downtown Newburyport! Arts & Crafts and food and all the stores were open and it was awesome! We met up with the girls, and they suggested a walk to the boardwalk, where it wouldn't be so crowded. So, Warren and I followed behind...until we realized we just couldn't keep up. That was okay. They were okay. We'd catch up with them, they'd take off. We'd meet them somewhere, they'd say "Hello!" and be gone. They were safe. We were just having a wonderful day outdoors in the sunshine.

Later, they asked if we could go to the beach. Warren looked at me and said, "Well, I'm not sure if Mary wants to go to the beach or not." Jonathan's face dropped about a foot. I started to laugh. I was so excited you could have raced me in a car and not beat me to get there. The surf was high. The kids got soaking wet and Warren took wonderful photos. The girls' mother came to the beach and she and Warren took more photos. I found a wonderful stick to add to my corner of "found sticks" in my garden. The water felt so good on my feet. The sand felt so good on my hands. I think I might love a beach more than any other place on earth.

After a couple of hours at the beach, we all hugged and said our goodbyes for awhile. My family drove down the road a little way to "Bob's Lobster" just as the sun was setting. I have seen many sunrises on the East coast. I've seen sunsets from the East coast, too, but not over water. I could have been sitting on a beach in Mexico watching this sunset. It was huge and bright red and in full bloom. My breath was sucked out of me when I realized I was sitting on the East coast of a country, watching the sun set on the other side of that same country. I nearly cried.
Here's a photo from my phone. Warren has better photos, which I will share. It was an awesome experience.

All the way home, we listened to the Americana Music Nominations show on satellite radio. So very good.

It's like I took the right dose of medicine when I got up. Everything about today was just perfect. Thank you God, thank you Warren, thank you Jonathan and the girls! Wow.

Drawing Day!

2011-05-23T18:23:00.000-07:00

If it's Monday, it must be time for my drawing class! This term, I am taking Portrait Drawing. Today was week three; we've had a life model (not naked) every week. This is all very new to me.

Today's exercise was to draw quickly, with broad strokes for both emphasis and shading. We were to "draw as if the person you're drawing will get off the bus at the next stop, and you want to capture everything."

So, we had some 10-minute drawings, and some 15-minute drawings, and some 20-minute drawings. Whew! Three hours goes quickly when you are drawing.

Anyway, here a couple of my results. The first one is done with charcoal, and is 18"X24" on drawing paper:

The next one might be my favorite of the day, but I'm partial to "mug shot" drawings...apparently. It was fun to work in color and not be able to erase.

I left class today feeling sort of frustrated, but more challenged than anything. I keep telling myself, "Baby steps!!" but it's hard because I want to be good at this yesterday! Anyway, thanks for looking. I'll be back!

Unfinished Business

2011-05-18T16:44:00.000-07:00

In January of 2008, just about one month after my mother's death, I started this painting. I have worked on it several times, but not at all in the last year. It sits on top of my piano to "remind" me to keep after it, as it feels so unfinished to me but I do not have a clue what else to do. There is a story behind it, which has to do with my mother after she died.

The morning of her funeral, she was sitting on the edge of the bed of a family friend when he awoke. She said, "I just wanted to make sure you were okay. I'm fine, I'm going to Westport!" My mother's Irish roots are in County Cork, which is not close to Westport (County Mayo). None of us had ever heard of Westport. We do, however, believe this story to be true.

So this painting is "Coming Into Westport" and it is filled with lots of emotion. Some of it is anger (the dark, low clouds) and some of it is relief. Maybe it is finished; maybe I'm just afraid to admit that I painted something I like!

What I would like to hear from those of you who choose to do so is, "What do you think is missing here?" My goal was to present this to my baby brother on his 50th birthday. From the moment I started this painting, I knew it would be for him. I still have time, but would really like to get some feedback.
Thanks for looking, and I look forward to your comments.

Big News

2011-05-08T20:51:00.000-07:00

I just want to share with you the sermon my husband, The Rev. Warren Hicks, gave this morning at St. Luke's Episcopal Church in Worcester, MA. He talks about his reaction/response to the killing of Osama bin Laden. Call me prejudiced, but this sermon is brilliant.

https://www.evernote.com/shard/s65/sh/a764f8cb-1061-429c-afcb-36c064a306d7/5ebc376c69e5c79cfb610a1c9272af43

New Life

2011-05-01T19:05:00.000-07:00

Tonight a very dear friend told me that there's a chance her husband will get a job in another state - 3 1/2 hours away from here. My heart sank.

She's excited, and has been doing some internet searching about the possible new home for their family. My friend has never lived outside of her zip code, so this is a great big deal to her. I get it.
I remember just five short years ago, wondering where it was God was calling Warren and me and Jonathan to begin anew. And, here we are in Worcester, MA! It was not my first choice, but it wasn't the worst choice! Life happens, and you make it your life. I'm really trying to do that.
But I think about this friend of mine and what she is going through. Yes, there's excitement! It's an adventure! Who doesn't love an adventure? Nobody brought me here kicking and screaming, and this is what I remember every time I say to myself, "What in the hell am I doing here?"

Five years later, I'm beginning to figure out how to get places without using my GPS. (This is huge!) Five years later, I'm bonded to some enough people that it would make me cry to leave here, if we left. But we're not leaving. Of that, I am sure. So my job is to make this life my life, and create a life in this place that still feels foreign to me.

Although I will never (probably) call Worcester "home" it is a good place, filled with good people. My job is to find those good people and make them part of my every day life. We've done alright, but we can do better. It's time to stop standing around with "deer in the headlight eyes" and start being "bulls in a china shop" and making our presence known and our desire for friendship and fun known and quit hiding behind the doors of this house which is not ours and say, "Come on in!" (By invitation only, please - that's another post!) We're going to be here.

And so, to my friend who is at a possible huge crossroads in her life, can I just say this: "Enjoy the adventure! It's fun, it's exciting. Once all the fun and excitement wears off, make sure you make friends of your own. Don't just be your husband's wife. You deserve the best.

And I will support you and love you, because I realize and understand what you're going through. It's tough, but give it a few years and it will be well worth it. But I will miss you - terribly. XO

Those Nasty Sneezes!!

2011-04-05T19:49:00.000-07:00

I apologize for posting two new entries in one day. But I remembered an interesting encounter I had with Jonathan a couple weeks ago, and wanted to share it with you. What brought this back to my memory? Well, if you must know, I am in the midst of a horrific sneezing fit...

Anyway, one afternoon after Jonathan came home from school I sat up and said, "Let's go to Starbucks!" I still had some bucks left on a gift card, and Jonathan was ready and eager to accompany me. He has learned to love and appreciate coffee that last six months or so. A pot of coffee in the morning is not always enough......I'm learning to share! (Warren usually drinks tea.)

So we drove to Starbucks - about a ten minute drive, and at a busy time of day. Then, any time after 2:00 in Worcester is a busy time of day. Once the high schools get out, traffic increases tremendously. Anyway, Jonathan and I pulled in to Starbucks and found a spot to park in the back aisle. As I pulled in, I was overcome with a horrible stench. It was easily recognizable as "one of Jonathan's farts" and I easily reprimanded him. "Could you have waited about ten seconds until you got outside before you did that?" "WHAT?" he asked, dumbfounded. "THE FART!! Couldn't you have waited?" He just looked at me like I was from another planet. We got out of the car and started walking across the parking lot.

He said, "Geez, I'm sorry! But hey, I don't get all over you when you have your sneezing fits!" I stopped dead in my tracks and just looked at him.

"MY SNEEZES DON'T STINK!"

Do yours?

They Said It Wouldn't Last!

2011-04-05T18:46:00.000-07:00

Yesterday - April 4, 2011 - Warren and I celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary. If you were one of those people who were part of our companion crowd 25 years ago, you'd probably be shaking your head thinking, "That is unbelievable!" We've changed a lot over the years...

We met at a Denver Zephyr's baseball game at Mile High Stadium. Between innings, Warren asked me to dance to a Glenn Miller song they were playing ("String of Pearls). So, our first encounter was dancing on the bleachers. We might have had a few beers tucked away at the time...

And then, out of the blue a few months later, WE WERE GETTING MARRIED!! And we did, and we've had a wonderful/adventurous/exciting/heartbreaking/heartwarming life together.

Last night, over sushi at Haiku Restaurant (el yummo!!), we both agreed that our children were our greatest accomplishments. (This was before we came home to discover that Jonathan had talked on the phone all night and had not done any of the items we listed for him to take care of while we were out...)

And we agreed that it's been hard - adopting two children, dealing with their special needs, missing Katie, being parents of an almost-16-year-old...and missing lots of the things and people we've left behind over the years. But we're not sure if and/or how we can change that. So, it's still sort of hard. But not horrible.

Happy Anniversary, dear Warren. You are a wonderful husband. I will dance on the bleachers with you any time. XO

March Madness

2011-03-19T07:29:00.000-07:00

Life has been c.r.a.z.y. for the last month, but something tells me it will begin to slow down just a bit. I hope so.

Here it is - Lent, 2011. I've always enjoyed greeting people with "Happy Ash Wednesday!" just to get a smile out of them. This year was no exception. I hope you all had a Happy Ash Wednesday, and have a Happy Lent!

I've been loving my classes at the Art Museum. It's hard to believe there are only two weeks left of my drawing class, and three of my painting class. It's been good for me, and now I need to see what offerings lie in store for the next session. Last week, we painted a piece of fruit.

It's been fun working with Acrylic paints from a tube instead of those inexpensive craft paints I've been using for my journals and altered books! Who knew?

Life goes on. My goal for this Spring is to get my 3rd floor space in order to spend all my creative time up there - in a "Mom Cave" if you will - and clear off the dining room table! My incentive? The in-laws are coming to visit over Holy Week/Easter. I have the greatest incentive in the world to get this house in "mother-in-law acceptable" order. Not that she'll have much to say about it, but - trust me - she will notice! (This is the same woman who said to me years ago, "If you're going to be a priest's wife, you're going to have to learn how to keep house." I kid you not.

Wish me luck!

Unhappy Camper

2011-03-01T17:16:00.000-08:00

There is nothing I enjoy about this.
Warren is off to Connecticut for a conference this week - some sort of "clergy crap" as I lovingly refer to it. So, that leaves me here - "single momming it" - with Jonathan.
Call me spoiled, but usually I get to sleep in and Warren gets up at 5:15 with Jonathan. I arrive later, usually, just as the frenzy of getting out the door is ending. This works, according to Warren, because sometimes a third person just adds fuel to the fire. Okay! See you at 6:15! There is nothing, to me, even halfway attractive about anything before 6 a.m. I'm just sayin'.
So, I've set my alarm for 5:15 every day this week. So far, it's working. I get up and get dressed. I wake up Jonathan and go downstairs and start coffee. Then I holler upstairs to make sure Jonathan is out of bed. Then I go back to the kitchen to figure out what to make him for his lunch. Then I holler up the stairs one more time to make sure he's vertical. Then I remind him that the dog needs to be taken care of.
So, downstairs he comes - usually without shoes on, and no dog. "Go put shoes on and take care of the dog." He looks at me like nobody has ever told him this before. Then he turns, and follows my "orders." If I put a banana on his plate with his breakfast, he asks for a knife...not to cut up the banana, but to cut off "the ends" because for some stupid reason, he does not like the little pointed ends of the banana. Whatever. Breakfast for me!
After he eats, I tell him (every day) to go upstairs and brush his teeth and put his bands on his braces. By this time, he has 20 minutes left - plenty of time to get ready and organized and make it a relaxed exit. But 15 minutes later, I'm yelling up the stairs, "Did you brush your teeth?" "I'm getting there!" he yells back. "WTF?" I think to myself. Then, I'm "nicely" yelling at him to hurry it up because it's almost time to leave.
He grabs his things and throws them into his backpack. "Do you have your lunch?" I always ask. "Oh, crap!" he says, as he runs to the kitchen to grab it. "Do you have bands in?" I always ask. Sometimes yes, sometimes no. So I explain that he's just wasting his own time by not wearing them. But he always has them in his back pocket! You know the rest of that story...
Out the door...on time, if I drive him to the bus stop. I'm a stickler for being on time, so we always have a few minutes to wait and chat. We figure out his schedule for the day. He seems to know a lot more about handling time than I do. What is it with 15-year-olds, anyway? Time for the bus, so I kick him out of the car and come home. Home to quiet and noise and signs of life that is now sitting on a bus headed to Worcester Tech. And I miss him. And I miss him all day, and can't wait to see him at the end of his day...I want to hear all about it and listen to his stories. He tells such great stories, and he's so excited and enthusiastic about them all! Then, I like to watch him do his homework while he has a snack. He's always so ravenous, and eats with such aplomb it's amazing. And then he eats dinner like he hasn't seen food in a week.
So, yes, I miss Warren. I hate being a single parent. But I love my boy. So, if I have to be a single parent for a week I'll just suck it up and enjoy the stories. Maybe I'll have a few of my own by the time Warren gets back on Friday. Maybe I'll even get up early to tell them to him.

How Y'all Doin'?

2011-02-26T13:31:00.000-08:00

We are just back from six really, really, really fun days in Austin, Texas. Since we lived there from 2000-2003 while Warren was in Seminary, it was easy to choose who to see, what to do, and where to eat. We stayed with our friends who even loaned us a car for the week. We had privacy, freedom, and they had low expectations. All they asked was a couple of dinners together. Wonderful!

Sunday night, our hosts invited some of our St. David's Church friends over. We put together a pot of poblano chile stew, made a salad, chilled some beer and had a feast. A burning fire pit topped off the special feeling of warmth and love, sitting and chatting with good friends.

Monday, Jonathan and I drove south to New Braunfels where I met my CCS friend, Malinda! I've known her for years through CCS and it was just like we'd talked yesterday, once we met. We all went to lunch in Gruene and putzed around some antique stores. Then we drove back to New Braunfels so we could go to a gallery we'd both read about. It was such a fun day, and a thrill to be able to meet and spend time with Malinda.

Tuesday we had lunch with some seminary friends...some still work there, some don't. But we are all still connected because of our relationship with ETSS, and we all had a great time together. While Warren went to a meeting on campus, Jonathan and I strolled around and re-visited some old "haunts" on campus. Most things look the same, but everything is different. The new offices are way too quiet, and even the campus didn't feel lively. Maybe it was the day. Maybe it's because I've changed. At any rate, I'm glad we spent some time there and I'm glad to have those friends.

Wednesday was a day without an agenda, so we decided to do some sightseeing at Central Market. It's the most fabulous grocery store in the entire universe! The produce left us gasping, it was so fresh and beautiful (and even cheap!). We bought a few things for dinner, and were happy about our adventure. Later that evening we all went to Antone's for a tribute by women artists to Gilbert Antone, who started the club way back when. We mostly were excited about Marcia Ball being in the lineup, but had no idea how much we'd love everyone who performed. There were some men on stage, too, but not singing. It was fabulous, and we stayed until 1 a.m.

Thursday we did some more sightseeing at Waterloo Records, and also at Tesoro's, a wonderfully eclectic shop full of interesting imports from Mexico, Peru, Inda, Vietnam...beautiful things and so much eye candy! We dropped a few dollars there, but it was more fun just to look. One more lunch of Tex-Mex and Happy Hour with seminary friends and we were back with our hosts, enjoying another feast, playing Dominoes and having a wonderful last evening together. Here's Warren with one of our hosts, Anne.

And now we're back in Worcester. I've decided not to say "I'm home" because I realized this week that I'm not sure where home is. Worcester is where I keep my stuff, but it's still not home. Not to me, anyway. I'll figure it out. Maybe I'm just a Vagabond and will feel a part of the many different places I've lived and enjoy visiting them. Who knows. At any rate we are back.

Thank you, Warren, for this wonderful Christmas surprise! You really know how to love a gal.

Remembering, with Love

2011-02-14T04:13:00.000-08:00

Today I remember my mom, who loved Valentine's Day. My sisters and I used to compete to see who could find the mushiest card to give to mom, because she did not like mushy! In later years, we'd send mom a really mushy card but sign the name of one of our sister's, so she never really knew who she was getting "that crap" from. It was fun!
I'm not big on celebrating Valentine's Day...at least it's been a long time since I went to any effort to give Valentines to friends. This year was different, and I'm glad. Eleven friends over at CCS had a little Valentine's Day swap, and it was really, really fun. Making the valentines, making the envelopes, picking out the perfect postage stamp, and then receiving all these beautiful works of art from them in my own mailbox! Now I have a mantle full of love and friendship and beautiful, sweet Valentine's Day art. I'm so blessed!

I recently learned a new little art form called "Iris Folding Paper" and have had so much fun with it, especially when making the valentines for my friends. Here's the valentine I made for my husband (before I wrote "You Drive Me Crazy!!" on it...just kidding).

Happy Valentine's Day

to all my wonderful friends!

XOXOXOXOXO

Learning To Draw

2011-02-07T18:47:00.000-08:00

A woman said to her niece, "I'm going to take a drawing class!"

"Why?" the little girl asked, "Did you forget how?"

Such is my life! I am taking a drawing class at the Worcester Art Museum. Today was my third week of ten weeks, and it was as wonderful as the first time. Our instructor is so encouraging and thoughtful, and the class size is small so we each get a lot of attention!

Today we worked on drawing negative spaces. I've done this before, and loved it. Today, not so much! What we were given was a large twig/branch to draw from. I kept losing my place, and then someone moved and sat across from me and it changed everything. I felt very frustrated.

Then, Teacher said, "Okay, let's take a short break now and go downstairs to see the special Goya exhibit!" I almost swallowed my tongue! Warren and I had spent over a half hour scouring these beautiful etchings and lithographs during the museum's recent "Flora In Winter" exhibit. What drew us to the Goya gallery was NO PEOPLE! It was funny, while we were in there two women breezed through, looking for flowers. One said, "Nothing in here!" and they breezed out. If they only knew what they were missing.

Look here. Look at the negative spaces. Look at the emotion on the faces. Just look. Then, look again. Enjoy.
http://www.worcesterart.org/Exhibitions/goya_bullfight.html

Getting Pummeled...

2011-02-01T06:40:00.001-08:00

...again

Sitting On My Lap...

2011-01-31T19:58:00.000-08:00

To make a long story short, on Sunday morning, Jonathan fainted. Scared the living daylights out of me!

On Saturday, helping us slice potatoes for a "new recipe" he cut the pad of his thumb on the mandolin slicer...and proceeded to "disengage" the flap that remained. So, he was left with a bit of a chunk of thumb missing...not too horrible, and we did not take him for stitches or anything. It's healing nicely. He's fine.

Warren and I went to a dinner party on Saturday night. When we got home, I asked Jonathan what he'd had to eat. He said, "Oh, I just had a couple of granola bars...I didn't feel like fixing anything else." (We had left him with numerous options for easy-to-fix meals. I was a little upset, but sent him to bed. After all, we had a big day as tomorrow was Sunday!

Sunday morning, I woke Jonathan up and told him to get showered and dressed and come on downstairs and get some breakfast. A little while later he came into the kitchen and said, "Mom, my thumb really hurts!" I took a look at it (he'd removed the bandage after showering) and told him to come with me to the bathroom so we could put a fresh bandage on it.

While my head was inside the closet, searching for the perfect bandage, Jonathan was behind me...feeling faint...reaching for the edge of the sink, but thinking he needed to get to the living room and sit down. I heard a scuffling noise and backed out of the closet. To my utter shock, Jonathan was lying in the middle of the floor outside the bathroom. Flat on his back. In his underwear.

I didn't freak out. I could see that he was conscious and okay. He'd bumped his head on the way down, but nothing horrible. First, I called Warren. I was afraid to try to move Jonathan because i didn't know how steady he'd be on his feet. Of course, Warren did not answer his phone! So I dialed the church. Deacon Jane answered, "St. Luke's!" and I said, "This is Mary. Please tell Warren he needs to come home!" Warren was here in a flash...by this time the reality had set in with me and I was a little beside myself. Poor Jonathan was lying on the floor - in his underwear - and a little tear was creeping down the side of his face. He was scared, too. It broke my heart to see him crying.

Warren helped me get him up and into the living room. He sat and held Jonathan for several minutes. Jonathan cried. Warren and I traded seats. Jonathan kept crying. It was obvious that he was okay - he knew his name, the date, etc. Warren fixed him a PBJ and made sure I was okay with him going back to church. I was, and so was Jonathan.

After Warren left I said to Jonathan, "If crying is what you need to do to feel better, then you just keep crying until you feel better." And he did. And he sat on my lap and let me hold him and catch his tears on my shoulder. And it was so beautiful.

And it reminded me about how wonderful and blessed it is to be a mother. And it reminded me of times when I was perhaps Jonathan's age and scared or sad, but wasn't encouraged to show my emotions. And that made me cry, too. Life is not worth living with feelings unacknowledged. I speak from lots of experience! I'm so happy to have a son who is not afraid of his emotions, even at the age of 15. What a precious boy.

And what a lucky mom I am...that he was willing to sit on my lap and let me snuggle him in blankets and hold him and he never shied away from any comfort I offered. It only took a few minutes, but it was blessed. A long lasting memory. Beautiful.

Jonathan is fine! Everything is back to normal...whatever that is! I am such a lucky mom to have a wonderful family! God is good, and thank God everything is okay and this was just a "fluke" event.

Next time we go to a dinner party, I will be sure to leave dinner in the oven for our boy. As much as I enjoyed holding him on my lap, I'm not anxious for another morning like that for a long time.

Thank you God, for little favors...unexpected...beautiful.

'Snow Fun!

2011-01-27T19:33:00.000-08:00

Feels like Saturday...
Looks like...Thursday?
We had 14" of new snow overnight, and I am here to tell you that if you live in the Northeastern United States, you are s.i.c.k. o.f. s.n.o.w.
It was a "definite" snow day for Worcester Public Schools. We tried to dig out a little before the contractor-snowblower-dude showed up around 1 p.m. By then I was thinking, "Am I going to be stuck here forever?"

Warren was insistent on feeding the birds, but getting to the bird feeders proved to be quite a challenge! Luckily, Jonathan could navigate the snow wearing his dad's snow shoes - which, it turned out, weren't a laughable investment two years ago!

He's a good boy, and he had a good time...shoveling, cleaning off our cars, feeding the birds...isn't he handsome? I think this photo looks like it could be in a Lands End catalog!

Tonight Warren and I went on a date! Granted, we were home by 7 p.m., but we went to the opening of Flora In Winter at the Worcester Art Museum! Warren had won free tickets, so it was a no brainer. It was so lovely. I was so taken by each artist's interpretation of the work of art vs. their floral display. Check it out here, but there will probably not be pictures from this year for a few days: http://www.worcesterart.org/Events/Flora/Flora_11/flora_in_winter_2011.html

We picked up a pizza on our way home, and enjoyed one episode of "Seinfeld" while we had our "dinner." Then we all converged downstairs and read for awhile. I did some of my "Iris Folding Paper" creations, which are really fun and I love. Here's a sample.

It's so much fun - I've made about 15 different designs this week...hearts and Star of David and flowers...really pushing the edge, once I get to know the pattern. Fun, fun.

Watching Icicles Grow

2011-01-24T19:53:00.000-08:00

Watching icicles grow is not very exciting to most people. Yet they amaze me. Every day, I take inventory of the icicles - not only growing on our roof edges, but on the edges of roofs all around us. Each one has its own story to tell. I have my own story to tell. Each icicle changes every day. My story changes from day to day. Icicles fall. I fall. New icicles form. My life forms every time I wake up.

Today is one of the coldest days I can remember since living here in New England. Really, really cold. Bitter. Sunny, but c.o.l.d. Lovely, but c.o.l.d. Life - c.o.l.d.

Today I woke up excited and full of anticipation for what was to be a wonderful experience, as I attended my first drawing class at the Worcester Art Museum. This 10-week course is going to be a life-changing experience for me, and I am so thrilled! Why, oh why, didn't I do something like this years ago? So much to learn, experiment with, challenge myself - why have I let myself believe that I'm too old to learn? Obviously, I so yearn for this type of environment! This morning was one of the most exhilarating events of my life. There will be more on this, trust me!

And then I came home...happy, excited! And then our 15-year-old son came home...happy, excited! And then he proceeded to explain to us why his grades are going down. Nothing but lazy. Nothing but not using the tools he's been given. Nothing but thinking talk gets you everywhere. Well, let me tell you, the mood in this house - even eight hours later - is not one of "HAPPY!" This child of ours has been scolded, lectured, hugged, told what-for, loved, fed, questioned, and lectured again. I am so fatigued right now just from the worry factor.

Outside our house, another batch of icicles is growing. They are beautiful. I love them. They are so much like me. They blossom and melt and grow. When the sun shines on them, they look to be so happy! Then they get hit with a little blood-boiling heat and begin to melt. Sometimes they fall; sometimes they grow. But they are always new. Cold. Different. Me.

To add to it all, this afternoon my car wouldn't start! When my husband tried to help me jump start it, his passenger window quit working! So now we have a car with a new battery that "might" start in the morning, as well as a car with one window covered in painter's drop cloth with duct tape all around it. Did I mention that the dishwasher quit working today?

Apparently, the forecast calls for 'POURING RAIN' because that's what it feels like right now. The freezing weather will warm up; the snow will continue to melt off the roof, and the icicles will come and go. I, however, will be here - hopefully expectant of good news at the end of a school day, and highly excited about the opportunity for me to learn new things. And keeping a close eye on the icicles all around me.

I'm Back!

2011-01-11T12:22:00.000-08:00

Sorry for the silence...really, I've been making lots of noise. Some sort of something happened and I was not able to access this site for several days. All is well now. Surely it was an operator error, but I can't figure out how it happened...

So, this is a test of the Mary Hicks Broadcasting System! Will be posting again soon...got to get this noise out of my head!! Hope all are well - Happy New Year, my friends.

Growing Up

2010-12-25T09:46:00.000-08:00

Last night, Jonathan "caught me" in the bathroom closet, filling Christmas stockings. He looked at me and said, "So, it's true!" My heart sank. Nobody had ever really TOLD him...and bless his heart, he still held a spark of longing for the wonder. So, my boy grew up a little bit tonight, and I never expected it. As my husband said, "Well, at least now we don't have to eat those cookies and drink that beer he always leaves for Santa!"

And, true, this is the first year that Jonathan has not left a note for Santa, and some carrots for the reindeer, and a beer to quench that fat old man's thirst. And, true, we don't have to write a reply with our left hand, thanking him for his generosity!

Life changes, and things stay the same. It's all so interesting and beautiful and confusing and sad. But mostly it's a lesson in learning, and that's a good thing.

Merry Christmas, everyone!

I'm a Genius!!

2010-12-11T15:56:00.000-08:00

Well, we finally brought the Christmas tree up from the cellar this afternoon! It got put together pretty fast, with help from Warren. And then...

...I worked each branch into a "natural" form. This took quite awhile to finish - it's a 10' tree! I took a bit of a rest, and then went over to the Christmas boxes.

"What are you doing?" Warren asked, a look of fear on his face.
"I'm going to put the lights on the tree!" I replied, hoping for the next question ("Need help?") which did not occur.
"Well, isn't that nice!" he said.

Many years ago, I remember dropping by my parents' home one evening in December. I put my key in the lock and helped myself into the house. My dad was sitting on the couch, reading. "Hi Dad!" He grumbled some response. I noticed that their table-top artificial tree had been put up. I also noticed the lights and thought, "OMG! Those lights are horrible!" I walked into the kitchen, in search of my mother, who I hoped would be happier to see me than my dad was!

Mom was in the kitchen, rinsing some dishes in the sink. I saw her wiping her eyes.

"What's wrong, Mom?" I asked.
"Oh, honey, nothing's wrong. I'm just being stupid about the Christmas tree lights." she replied.
I gave her a kiss and said, "Hang on. I'll take care of it."

I went back into the living room and sat by my dad, making some small talk. Then I said, "The tree sure looks nice! Wow, those lights are really something." And they were. They were very heavily laden on the branches - as if someone had sort of dropped the whole strand and they landed, and they were done. They were horrid.

Thinking to myself that this would be a very bold move, but reminding myself that I no longer lived there so would not have to endure the after-effects of my actions, I stood up and began re-arranging the lights. My dad kept reading. I think he was so mad he didn't care if I had removed all of them. My mom stayed in the kitchen.

I worked and worked. By the time I was finished, that little tree looked all lit up, but there was not one sign of a cord in sight. Somehow, I'd woven them all into the branches. Felling pretty proud of myself, I said "Don't you think that looks a little better?" My dad said, "What do I know? Ask your mother!"

So I did. Mom came out of the kitchen and her face just lit up. "Thank you, Mary! It looks so much better! I tried to tell your dad that's not how you put lights on a tree, but he just got mad at me."

Tonight, I remembered this story as I wove the cords of lights between the branches. It was a lot of work! By the time I finished, I was sweating. Warren came over - right as I was finishing - and said, "Wow! You're a genious!"

I said, "I am?"

"Yes! It looks great!" he insisted.

Who knew? I think I learned how to be a genius from my mom. My temper, I learned from my dad!

Feeling Loved

2010-12-07T17:49:00.000-08:00

This evening, after hearing the news of Elizabeth Edwards' young life coming to it earthly end, I received two emails from two people who know me pretty well. They thought about me when they heard of her death. She is one of my life heroes. I want to share these emails with you, and my responses to them.

Dear Mary,
Don just told me he’d read on Google that Elizabeth Edwards had died. I know you will grieve over this and that you were a great fan of this lovely lady. Know I have you in my heart. Peace and good - Sally

I’m so saddened by this news. I found out before your email came. Just hung up from talking to Amy. What a great woman. Now I MUST read her second book; her first was incredible.

Thanks for the love.

XOXOXOXOXO
Mary

Dearest Mary,

I know you must be grieving deeply today, for I remember how much Elizabeth's books and her life meant to you.
Are you okay?

Love,
Anne Marie

How sweet of you, Anne Marie! Thank you. Yes, my heart is very heavy tonight. I watched a beautiful report on her on MSNBC this morning, and remember thinking, “I hope she lives past Christmas.” I didn’t have any idea she was so gravely ill.

Her spirit will live on in millions of women who probably believed in her much more than her husband. I have to keep reminding myself that SHE is the winner in all this, even though it appears he is. I just ache for her children, more than anything. She’s fine now.

As it turns out, tonight was the monthly Healing Service at St. Luke’s, so I had the opportunity to sit quietly and think about her and say an extra prayer for her children. I’m okay. God’s in charge. There’s nothing I can do. God will take care of me and you and everyone else who will miss her passionate and lovely presence on this earth.

Perhaps I should make a SoulCollage card about her. And I’ll start wearing that button I have: Elizabeth Edwards for First Lady. She sure won that campaign, didn’t she?

Love you. Thanks so much.

XOXOXOXOXO
Mary

May God bless her beautiful children, and may her light perpetual shine upon all of us. Thank you, God, for sharing this beautiful woman with us.

Late, as usual!

2010-12-06T17:36:00.000-08:00

You'd think, being the "First Family" of a church, that we'd be the "first" to have our Christmas decorations up and lights in the windows. We always talk about it. It just never happens. So, here we are on December 6th and still no tree up! I did put battery-operated tea lights in the windows, but they've already gone dead!

So tonight, I remembered the lights I'd strung around our mantle this summer - to brighten things up. They are still there, my only invitation so far into this season of Advent - waiting - for Christmas to happen. I rather love the effect these lights have on me.

Late or not, at least the feeling of Christmas is in the air. And did I mention that our Christmas Cactus is blooming - right on time!

Something Creative

2010-11-24T18:33:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was kind of a strange day for me. It was Tuesday, so I had to work. Work was frustrating. I just felt like my time was being wasted with really trivial things, and it didn't make me feel important or necessary.

I met my friend for coffee after work, and that was fun. It was good to hear someone else "complain" besides my own thoughts in my own head. It's always good to get together with someone and get a different perspective on life!

Warren and Jonathan went to bed early. I spent too much time on the internet, but it was interesting! It's so easy to get carried away, catching up on people and places. Anyway, suddenly it was after 11 p.m. and I was dripping with fatigue. But I could not go to bed, as I had not done one thing even remotely creative all day.

So, I took a deep breath. I walked into the dining room - where my journal was waiting - and looked at a blank page. I picked up a pen. With my left hand, in large letters, I wrote "SOMETHING CREATIVE." Then I took almost every one of my rubber stamps and imprinted them on the page. I picked up some pastels (which I haven't touched in almost four years) and spread them around on the page. Here's the result.

Well, I was so pleased with myself, how could I ever go to bed? I had to do some more. So I made this page, which underneath says, "Because she just had to."

I still had one more in me, and this one - my favorite of the evening - is what happened:

Needless to say, I went to bed (finally!) smiling, and slept better than I have in ages.

Foot Stompin' Music and High Church

2010-11-20T19:29:00.000-08:00

So far, it's been a pretty wild weekend, at least for us! Two big events in less than 24 hours - needless to say, we are exhausted!

Yesterday we surprised Jonathan with tickets to see our favorite household band, The Subdudes. They were playing at The Narrows in Fall River, MA. We went for an early dinner, then headed southeast. It wasn't until we arrived that Jonathan figured out what was going on, and he was pretty excited! Lucky boy, that kid. Although we've had the tickets for awhile, we decided to make it a celebration of his great mid-term report card; also, Friday was National Adoption Day, so we threw that in as an excuse as well.

Before the show, Jonathan hung out in the "rest room" with the band and during the show, they even dedicated a song to him! One of the band members is a childhood friend of mine. John Magnie and his family lived across the street from us when we lived on St. Paul Street in Denver. His sister and I were best friends for a long time, even after we moved and they moved. We never lived far from each other, but sort of lost touch over the years.

My mom and their mom were best friends for over 50 years, so it was always easy to keep tabs on them. And, we all knew that "those Magnie kids" were perfect because we were frequently asked, "Why can't you be more like the Magnies?" John and I laughed about that last night, actually. It was great to see him again. Here's a picture of me and Jonathan with John "Soul Patch" Magnie.

We got home well after midnight and had to sleep fast, because this morning we were going to see the Presiding Bishop!

Bishop Katharine Jefferts-Schori was celebrating Eucharist at All Saints Church here in Worcester, in honor of their 175 anniversary, and also to honor the ministries of all the Episcopal churches here in Worcester. I've admired this woman ever since she was elected, and thought how lucky I was just to be able to attend this service. Little did I know how important it would be to "hang out" with my son!

We were standing inside the side entrance to the church, waiting for Warren to come back and help us figure out where to sit. The door opened, and in walked this woman with a big suitcase. Jonathan immediately recognized her, and walked over to where the Rector of All Saints was standing, greeting her. After she said hello to him, Jonathan stuck his hand out and shook hers and said, "Hi! I'm Jonathan!" Since I was standing right behind him, she turned to me AND SHOOK MY HAND, TOO! Unbelievable, but true. My son, Mr. How Do You Do!

The service was great - a huge choir, made up of choirs from around Worcester, a brilliant sermon delivered by the PB, and - as it turned out - we had 3rd row seats! So we even got great pictures during the service. Afterward, there was a nice reception and I met a few nice people (imagine that!) and saw some familiar faces. As we were getting ready to leave, we had to go back to the church to pick up the St. Luke's Charter, which had been presented to the PB as part of the service. Jonathan saw her in a room behind the altar, filling out the attendance book, and made a bee line for her. Warren and I followed, and next thing we knew, this happened.

And then, Warren asked if I'd take his picture with her...

And THANKFULLY someone in the room offered to take a family photo. So now I'm really happy, as you can probably imagine!

She's a really nice, gentle-spirited person. We had a little bit of a conversation before we left, and she's just very, very kind. I'm so happy I got to meet her! Thanks, Jonathan!!

Happy Birthday, Sweet Katie!

2010-11-11T16:02:00.000-08:00

I spent about 30 minutes out front this afternoon, blowing bubbles! It was such a beautiful day - clear and crisp - but the afternoon sun sort of put the wind at ease for awhile.

And so, in honor of our Katie on what would be her 20th birthday, I stood on the front walk and blew bubbles. I'd forgotten about the little "church bubbles" we passed out the morning after her Memorial Service. Everyone there that morning sat and blew bubbles. It was quite emotional. Doing this simple act this afternoon reminded me of many wonderful people who were there for us during a really difficult time. My heart swelled with gladness, knowing that we do not walk the rough paths alone. I'm grateful for every friend I have who reminds me on days like today "I am thinking of you" and I know that I am blessed

Blowing bubbles...such a simple act! I watched the bubbles, taking their wings and going off to do what they do. It soothed my soul. Although it was impossible to watch the path of each bubble, part of me wants to believe that at least one made it to heaven, and that Katie was there to catch it - laughing in her funny little way of laughing!

Happy Birthday, Amy!

2010-11-04T18:03:00.000-07:00

Today is my baby sister Amy's birthday. She just had some serious surgery a few weeks ago...I did not go be with her because she asked me to wait and come when she felt good, "So we can do something FUN together!" So I'm waiting...missing her on her birthday, knowing she is okay, wishing I was there. It's really hard being away from my family. Tomorrow is my brother Mark's birthday. He's much older than Amy, but always says that "Amy's birth ruined my birthday!" It's a family joke.

Amy was such a blessing to us. She was born just a few years after our sister, Anne Loretto, died of leukemia at the age of five years. We wanted a girl so badly! Back in "the day" parents just had to wait to find out what they were getting. Early in the evening on November 4, 1965, my dad called the house to day, "IT'S A GIRL!" Well, all mayhem broke loose. We (kids) pulled every pot and pan and lid and spoon we could find out of the cupboard and MARCHED up and down Fillmore Street shouting, "IT'S A GIRL!" All the neighbors came out and started clapping. We were so excited. We had a new girl in the house, and it was a good thing.

But poor Mark! Nobody hardly paid attention to his (11th) birthday that year. It was all about Amy. Luckily, he never held it against her; they are good friends, and always have been.

So, Happy Birthday Amy...and Happy Birthday Mark tomorrow! I love you guys, and wish I was closer so we could celebrate together -- you know, go dancing or something - like old times! (Just kidding!) If I was there, we'd go out for a beer and talk about inconsequential stuff and go home feeling like we were on top of the world. That's how families get along...talking about the inconsequentials. Gotta love it!

Blessings on you both. XOXOXOXOXO

Celebrating Those We Love But See No More

2010-11-02T18:32:00.000-07:00

The first Tuesday evening of every month, St. Luke's has a Healing Service. There's a core group of about 8-10 people who faithfully attend, and there is a team of folks who are available to offer healing prayers for those who request it. It's all very "private" yet public - they are in front of the church, but with music playing it makes it a more private experience. In other words, the folks in the pews don't have to try to strain to hear what's being prayed for - they can't hear it, so there's no need to try. Does this make sense?

Well, tonight's service was a little bit different in that we were also acknowledging All Souls Day. Yesterday was All Saints Day - which honors all the "famous" saints (like Luke, Anthony, Mother Theresa, etc.). All Souls Day is to honor those people we love who perhaps didn't make a big mark in their public life, but left great big marks on our hearts.

In many cultures, this is a big deal. I'm most familiar with the Mexican tradition of Dio de los Muertos, or "Day of the Dead." We first learned about it when we lived in Austin, and celebrated our own saints there every year...and have done so - privately in our home - ever since. We have a few little decorations that we put out. One thing people like to do is to "try to lure" the deceased person's spirit back by leaving out things that the person loved - like chocolate, cookies, or tequila! They use lots of flowers - mostly marigolds - and it's a festive occasion, not a sad one.

So, at St. Luke's last Sunday, we set up a space and people brought in photos and mementos of their precious saints. We, of course, took a picture of Katie and of bowl of "Runts" candy. When she was little, she would only fall asleep in her old car seat, in her bedroom, on the floor. And she had to have a bowl of Runts in her lap, otherwise she would not go to sleep! Call it crazy, but it worked. Long story...later. Others brought chocolate...someone even set a Dunkin' Donuts coffee cup next to the picture of their saint!

During this particular service, we also read aloud the names of people who are "saints" to members of our congregation. It was very touching, especially to recognize so many of them. After these names were read, people were given time to recite even more names of departed who were not on the lists.

I was kneeling next to Jonathan during this part of the service. This child of ours - who fifteen minutes before had been the bane of our existence, knelt there are prayed - out loud - for "those who lost their lives on 9/11...for all the astronauts who have died in service to our country...for all the firemen who died in the Cold Storage fire...for victims of the earthquake in Haiti...and he went on and on. It was so touching to me. I just started weeping! Where did all that come from? How could this child become so centered and prayerful, while I was just seething at him a few minutes ago? Then it occurred to me that God was present, and Jonathan had been tapped on the shoulder and encouraged to go with his heart. Why not me? Probably because I wasn't paying attention. Well, let me tell you, after that I did start paying attention and things turned around for me. That church was filled with something tonight, and it wasn't incense! It was the love of God, sitting among us, tapping us each on the shoulder as a reminder of how much we are loved and valued and precious to God. Each of us! All the time! How cool is that?

Jonathan is finishing up his homework, but all I want to do is sit on the couch and just snuggle up with him and get some of that wonderful energy of his to flow into me. I will never forget this night, his prayers, God's presence, and...hopefully, my very own preciousness in God's sight.

Flor-Al

2010-10-28T17:08:00.000-07:00

Before I begin, let me just say one thing. When I lived in Texas, I learned that you can say anything about anybody, no matter what it is, as long as you finish it with "Bless his/her heart." Remember this for later.

This afternoon was interesting. I came home from work, having gotten the church newsletter finished just under the gun - as usual - ugh. What I wanted to do was come home and finish a little bit of creativity I'd started this morning. And I did. At least, I WAS working on it.

I heard the dog barking, so went out on the deck to see what was up. While out there, I heard the leaf blower of our "behind the church" neighbors going. That's not unusual, as they are out there almost every day blowing leaves. But today was different.

I know his name is Al because he used to own a flower shop called Flor-Al's. And one night at the Worcester Art Museum, I saw him there. Everyone was calling him Al. I heard him before I saw him; if he hadn't been making such efforts to be heard I probably wouldn't have given him a second thought. But the instant I saw him there, I knew it was my neighbor. It was very interesting to watch him - glad handing everyone and telling them how wonderful life is "now that I've sold the business and am teaching Spanish at St. John's!" I could not take my eyes off of this man. He was really having fun - and he wasn't even the star of the show! Part of me wanted to introduce myself to him, but after much thought on the matter, I decided it would be more fun to know so much about him with him not knowing me.

Anyway, this afternoon Al was out blowing leaves...again. Today he was working on their front lawn. What I noticed was that he was blowing all the leaves from their front lawn, across their driveway, and onto the church property - way past their driveway, so as to prevent them from blowing back onto their lawn. I watched in amazement for a bit, then went and walked over to where he could see me. He seemed surprised that I was standing there. I didn't know what to do, but was glad he had seen me watching. But it didn't stop him! Which made me madder...

I was raised that "Fair is Fair" and you can argue with me until I'm blue in the face, but you will never convince me that what he was doing was fair!

A few minutes later, I went back out. Without getting too close, I said to him (over the roar of the blower), "Would you mind not blowing the leaves onto the church lawn?" Without skipping a beat, he said to me, "These are YOUR leaves!" I started to reply, and he said, "These aren't MY leaves, they're YOURS!" Baffled, I muttered something under my breath that might have included the word "pig" but not so loud he could hear it. I came back home, dumbfounded. Shaking. Angry. Crazy with the difference between right and wrong.

So, our neighbor is a jerk. I'm not going to get into a pissing contest with a skunk, but I'd sure love to mail a box full of leaves to him! It saddens me to know that this man - who has never even tried to be neighborly with us - is such a jerk. It's his stuff, not mine. He's probably been blowing those leaves back onto the church lawn for years and never "been caught" before. Maybe our little interaction this afternoon will make him re-think his actions. I'm guessing not, and am still pretty upset about it, but like I said, I'm not going to start something I can't finish.

In reply I would like to say to my neighbor, FLOR-AL, that even though you are a jerk, I know that God loves you at least as much as God loves me. And that's really what baffles me. It just doesn't make sense. It just doesn't seem fair. Tonight in my dreams, I'll go outside and quietly rake all those leaves back onto your front lawn. I'll get up early and watch the look on your face when you realize what's happened. I'll laugh, knowing that you have been bitten with your own poison. And then I'll wake up and realize it was a dream and think, "Oh, well. It could have been fun. Bless his heart."

Jamie

2010-10-26T20:01:00.000-07:00

I just got off the phone with my brother, Jamie. He and his family (wife and 14-year-old daughter) live in Urbana, IL. I'd heard about the terrible weather there, so just called to check on them. It's been months since I spoke to Jamie.

I am eight years older than Jamie. He and his younger brother, David, are "Irish Twins" - meaning, they are only 15 months apart in age. What a pair they were! And cute? Well, don't even get me started...except to say that my sister and I used to love to dress them up as little girls and put them in the wagon and walk them around the neighborhood! Thank goodness, they don't remember that. But they were both so precious.

Jamie had dimples - BIG dimples - as a baby. He still has them, but you can only see them if he shaves. One of my favorite pictures of Jamie is one that my dad took of him. It's a profile shot, with Jamie holding one one of my dad's (unlit) cigars in his mouth. Precious.

Jamie and David used to play "Mary Poppins." Jamie was always Burt, in his blue and black striped sweater and a little cap. David was always Mary Poppins, wearing a straw hat with fake flowers on it. For years, those two played Mary Poppins. They would probably die if they were reading this...but, maybe they would laugh. They were so much fun!

When my mom got diagnosed with Stage 4 Pancreatic cancer three years ago (almost to the day), Jamie and I both flew to Denver to be with her for a few days. We sort of re-connected then. I can't explain it, but I think we both felt a renewed fondness for each other after years of disconnection.

When mom became terminal, just after Thanksgiving, Jamie and I arrived in Denver again. He had brought his family, but Mary Beth and Mimi went back home and Jamie stayed. I arrived with Warren and Jonathan, and they both left together, leaving me behind. Jamie and I and Amy (baby sister) pretty much spent the next several days taking care of mom 24/7. It was a really difficult time, but we had so much fun! I felt a renewed spiritual connection with Jamie. And Amy, of course, just added to the whole wonderfulness of it all.

The morning that mom died, Jamie woke me (I was on the couch just outside her room) and said, "Mom's making some different sounds. You might want to come and see what's going on." Immediately upon walking into the room I said, "Go wake up Dad and get him down here." Less than an hour later, Mom died. I'm so thankful that my dad was there next to her, holding her hand, when she died. When it "was all over" Amy lay down on the bed next to mom for a long time. We called the rest of the family, and as folks began to trickle in, the sun started to rise.

And rise it did! It took several hours for our Hospice nurse to come - we wouldn't have anyone but her there. We all stood around the bed while she did her "last testing" of mom's frail body. She was dead! I took mom's wedding rings off her finger and gave them to my dad. A few minutes later, the guys from the mortuary arrived. They asked us to all pay our last respects - to take our time. Then they did what they had to do - behind a closed door - and brought mom out on a stretcher, her face still uncovered and available to us for one last brush of her hair and a kiss on her cheek. It was tearful; it was joyful. She was no longer meant for this world, and we knew that.

We all stood outside and watched as the mortuary guys put her into the van. The sunrise was incredible! After the van drove away, we all stood and watched this incredible expression of God's love that seemed, to us, as some sort of a message that our mom/wife/friend was destined for a place much more beautiful than we could ever imagine.

There wasn't much "shock" regarding mom's death. We all knew it was coming. We went into preparation mode (but had actually been preparing for it for weeks). Once we were all together, we started having more and more fun. Incredibly, our mother's death brought her children closer together than I believe they had ever been before. A room full of adults who grew up together, laughing and crying and playing music and teasing each other - mom would have loved being in that room...every night!...I know my Dad loved sitting there watching us!

When I flew back to Worcester after Mom's funeral I was sad to leave my family, but mostly sad to say goodbye to Jamie. We had had such a wonderful time together! I didn't want to lose that.

Sadly, we did lose that. Tonight was the first time in three years that I feel like he was interested in hearing about me and my life and my family. And we laughed! Oh, we laughed so much. About silly stuff, about serious stuff. About dad, about family, about our jobs. We laughed. I feel so renewed and so refreshed by that telephone conversation! Should I thank God for the horrible storm in Chicago yesterday, which encouraged me to call Jamie and see if they were okay? Alright, I will! Thank you God! Thank you for giving me the incentive to call and say "I'm thinking about you. How are you?" And the rest of the conversation - history now - will remain in my heart.

Little brother Jamie with the dimples who loved to play Burt and who grew up to be so smart and have a beautiful family - I LOVE YOU! Thank you for giving me YOU tonight. I will sleep well, with you in my heart.

XOXOXOXOXO

Staying Up Late

2010-10-24T16:50:00.000-07:00

Last night I stayed up until after 1 a.m., working on the background for the current Journey of Journals journal (DJ's) I have through CCS. Being Sunday morning when I went to bed, waking up "later that morning" really hit me hard! I'm not kidding you - at church, during the Prayers of the People, Jonathan poked me and said, "Mom! Are you sleeping?" I was. So, after church I came home and lay on the couch for an hour and felt much better.

Tonight will not be a repeat of last night, but I will be up later than "the rest of the house." Since I do not have to go to work tomorrow, I always look at Sunday night as one of my nights off -- and I will stay up and play more with my ideas for the JOJ and wake up, excited to see the results from the night before.

I'm feeling so alive with my creativity right now, and it couldn't come at a better time. There are some real-life issues which are really troubling me right now...I won't go into details because they have nothing to do with what I'm talking about now. But they are at the forefront of my mind. Working on DJ's journal has helped those "forefront thoughts" become less and less vivid, and I'm finding myself relaxing about all of it. When it's the right time, I'll blog about it. But it's not the right time. Trust me.

Life throws us curve balls when we expect sliders, I guess. Right now, I'm up to bat and hoping for a home run. If all I get is a single to first base, I'll be happy...it's not about scoring, it's about playing the game.

First Face

2010-10-20T04:58:00.000-07:00

Yesterday after work I watched a video - part of a free online course I happened across - and spent over an hour watching this woman teach people how to draw a face. Amazing stuff. The whole time I was watching, all I could think was, "I cannot do this!"

While I don't consider myself to be "an artist" I do love the artistic process. I love getting my hands dirty with paint and making backgrounds and thinking of words to write in my art journals. This creative outlet is so good for me!

Last night I was so tired. Part of me wanted to do something "fun" before I went to bed, but nothing was feeling interesting. But I knew I'd sleep better if I just did one little thing. So, I decided to try to draw a face. It was interesting to use the instructor's guidelines and really see something take form...not anything outstanding, mind you, but it was a face! Then I grabbed some paints and the more it went along, the more excited I became. I was drawing a face - that looked like a face!

Here is the result of that last-minute-before-bed artistic expression. I call her "First Face" and this morning, I've been holding her in different light and looking at her in many different ways. She's not perfect (like me), and she's somewhat mysterious (like me!), but she's looking right through me at something I can't name right now. She can't be recreated (nor can I...or can I?). She is who she is, and she's good enough for me (like me!).

Thanks for having a look. Comments are welcome, but if all my friends who are museum curates could hold their comments, I'd appreciate it!

Remembering my Nicho

2010-10-18T11:06:00.000-07:00

A friend from my online artsy-fartsy group happened to mention "vessels" and how she is doing a series of items using old cigar boxes, jewelry boxes, etc. to make a series of dioramas. While she had me at the word "vessel" her comment also reminded me of my Nicho - my "Little Altar" which hadn't been given a thought in a long time. It's displayed very proudly on the shelf in our living room, but who looks at what's on their shelves after awhile?

So there I went with my camera, having a look at my old friend and hopefully turning it into a gift to share with friends. Let me tell you its story.

When my husband was in Seminary in Austin, TX, I signed up for a course called "Art & Soul." The name would have been enough for me to find interest, but the description of the course had me panting, hoping that this seminary spouse would be welcome to "sit in for free" and participate with "the paying" students.

It was this course that got my heart burning for my artistic self to shine through. I can remember it like it was yesterday, rushing home to begin my assignment and forgetting about all time and space while doing so. I even forgot (sometimes) that we were living in Austin!

Anyway, one night we were all told to choose from a selection of cigar boxes which had been provided. I chose a wooden one with a little clasp. It still smelled good (yes, like cigars) and I liked the feel of it when it was closed. We were then told about Nichos, and were assigned the project of making our own.

My Nicho is painted purple. I intentionally did not cover the outside with gesso because I did not want to lose "what it was" so the name of the cigar company still shows through on the box. For the inside, I painted a little random color on some paper. I glued little colored beads all around the inside edges (some have fallen out, I see...). On the left side, I cut two images out of Christmas cards. The gold image is of the Holy Family following the Star. But it reminded me of us - Warren, Jonathan and I - following OUR star by following our hearts and leaving our home in Denver to move to Austin and then to...who knew? This image gave me much peace of mind, allowing my insecurities to be real, but also comforting my "unknowns."

On the right side, you see two silver posts. These are just wooden objects that I painted, but are placed there as an opening - a gate, if you will - inviting us in to share ourselves with others. The little icon was a gift which seemed appropriate there as it again symbolizes us - our family. (Not that we are "Holy" just that we are "Family!") The little colored discs to the left represent problems and worries. Everyone has different concerns for themselves and for others. Some are bigger than others. The colors represent the myriad of things that people pray for and worry about.

The little red watering can is "me" - the vessel - the one who sometimes needs to be poured out, but often needs to be filled up. Sometimes my vessel leaks, at which time I need to figure out where the leak is and have it repaired. Other times, my vessel becomes cracked. This is not always a bad thing! When it's a "good" crack, I'm flowing with being in a good reference point in my life journey...I'm being creative, my family is well, and my worries are more trivial. However, when my "crack" is a bad one, what flows out of me is like bad water and nobody wants to drink it, not even me! This is the time that I need to not find a "quick fix" but take a serious look at just what is behind this flaw and why it has become such a prominent part of who I am at that moment. Some days are better than others...I guess I'm only human!

There is one more part to my Nicho, which is barely visible (oh, my!) in the photo. It's a little brass angel hanging from a chain at the top right. It's Katie's presence in my/our lives - sometimes she moves with the breeze, other times she is steady. Same as us. Some days, she's more visible to me than others. You might say, "That's normal after 13 years" but I'm here to tell you that there is nothing normal in missing your child the way we miss Katie.

I do love my Nicho so much! Writing about it right now feels like writing about it eight years ago when I first made it. Some things leave a mark on your heart in a way you can never forget what it's there for.

Food, Glorious Food!

2010-10-16T17:50:00.000-07:00

My kitchen skills are improving...practice makes perfect? Maybe not, but it's such a joy for me to be able to take products in hand and create fulfilling meals with them.

This week has been especially fulfilling for me. I've had lots of time to spend working in my art journals, which gives me great pleasure...and probably makes me an easier person to live with! Here is some of what I've been doing with my art journals:

First, I honored one of my life heroes - John Lennon - on his 70th birthday. I miss you, John Lennon!

The Halloween-themed spread is not my usual style, but I had fun tearing paper, painting the background for the moon and the letters, and sketching/cutting out the witch silhouette! That's just a taste of this week's fun stuff...don't want to overwhelm anyone with a bunch of pictures.

Last night's dinner was roast pork tenderloin, sweet potato fries, and braised shredded cabbage and carrots with spinach.

This morning was spent catching up with my dear friend over coffee - time well spent for each of us "away from our normal borders" and we just talked and laughed.

Later in the day, after getting a consensus from "the boys" I made meat loaf, roasted potatoes and roasted Brussels Sprouts for dinner. Every plate was clean. Warren (my chef-turned-priest husband) said it was the best meat loaf he had ever tasted! I thought it looked like more of a Meat Blob, but it was tasty!

The sunset this evening was exquisite! The clouds were challenging the sun to see which could get out of the area the fastest. The colors took my breath away!

Tomorrow is Sunday...back to "the routine." At least the high winds are dissipating and the temps are rising. Perhaps tomorrow will bring a drive to look at the beautiful foliage -- and some photos!

All Will Be Well...

2010-10-12T17:46:00.000-07:00

It's been an emotional day. I just feel so far away from my sister, who had some major surgery this morning. She came through fine. I'm still worried! Amy's like a daughter to me. So I cried at work this morning "because nobody here knows me or cares about me." Then, after I got home, I got an unexpected email of love and support and prayers and cried "because somebody cares about me!"

This afternoon I practiced blowing bubbles again. A lady honked and waved when she drove by, proof that you CAN give someone an extra smile in her day...a little free gift. It made me so happy, I kept blowing bubbles for ten more minutes!

Actually, it as the lovely sunset that sent me running inside to grab my camera:

Jonathan requested GLOPP for dinner, so I obliged...fresh Italian sausage baked with black olives, fresh green beans and tomatoes, finished off with a blend of five Italian cheeses. Not bad for someone who had no idea what kind of GLOPP to make when she started!

Now, I'm feeling a bit beat up, so will call it a night. All will be well.

Feeling Chuffed?

2010-10-09T19:44:00.000-07:00

I'm part of an online group of eclectic folks who love art, writing, poetry, photography, and just plain thinking. During September, many of us took part in a challenge to "do something creative" every day. My endeavors spread the gamut - I wrote (check out http://www.750words.com), I cooked, I worked in my art journal, and I took pictures of my world.

Some of us decided to extend the challenge for the month of October. One of these people started a discussion "about what we aren't doing" which prompted this reply from me yesterday:

"When I read your "intro" to this discussion the word "chuffed" caught my eye. Had not ever heard that word before, until Abi's blog about Ramazan. Once she explained it to me, I wondered how I'd missed that word!

Do I feel "chuffed" about the last 50 days of creating? No. But I'm inspired because in everything that's been encountered, with this "accomplishment" in mind, things are seen differently. Things like the sound of my wind chimes on my porch. That's something that can't be shared, but it inspires me to look more closely and pay attention to just what's behind the sound. The wind may be too strong for my liking, but at the same time, it's creating music for my soul.

96+ hours of rain...makes me feel dreadful, but it reminds me to think about the earth and the dirt and the roots of the trees and the plants, and how much it means to them. That's another sound that can't be shared. But it's a feeling that we all know...like our souls being fed...with something that we'll crave once the season changes."

If I had the time, I'd love to sit on my porch and just blow bubbles. Heck, I'd stand out on the street and blow bubbles at the cars whizzing by. Doing so would make me happy, and hopefully would give the drivers of those speeding bullets a moment of a smile...something to take with them...something unexpected, like a gift they had no idea was coming.

My outlook is changing, but so is my inlook, if you will. That's where I need to focus, personally, because some days are harder than others (duh!) but my goal is to make every day worth remembering."

Today, I went to the store to buy a big bottle of bubbles. Can you believe they call that a "seasonal" product? Much to my dismay! Tomorrow, I will try again. The thought of standing in front of my house during afternoon rush hour, blowing bubbles, and helping just one person gift him/herself with an extra smile makes me very excited. I'm thinking about getting other people who live on the street to join me - maybe one afternoon a week - and see how many extra smiles we can gift people with, just from blowing bubbles.

And, hopefully you are smiling unexpectedly after reading this, my friend!

Regarding Marigolds

2010-09-28T18:50:00.000-07:00

I started planting marigolds in my garden back in 1995. My garden was so beautiful; I would spend hours out there every day - deadheading marigolds and petunias, pulling weeds, watering. I was so very proud of my garden.

In early Spring of 1996, we brought our son Jonathan home. He was ten months old. We were already the parents of Katie, a special needs child whom we had adopted at the age of 3 1/2 months. Our life was full. But bringing Jonathan home sort of "wrapped everything up" for us. We felt complete.

Katie and Jonathan loved each other so much, and it was fun being their parents. Katie was progressing well in school - learning to talk better, eating (sometimes), and learning how to be in relationship with people. She was definitely bonded to us. We were so happy.

On Mother's Day, 1996, we brought Jonathan home "for good." He and Katie sat in a chair in our living room and let us take their picture. The really loved each other, from the first moment they met. They shared a room and toys and a swing set. Not much got between either one of them. They were great, being brother and sister by adoption. We, as parents, were even better.

When Katie was in second grade, she got in the habit of picking a few marigolds from my garden to take to her teacher every day. I never discouraged her; what could it hurt? Every morning, until the frost killed them, she would walk out the door and pick some flowers on her way to catch the bus. I never talked to her teacher about it, but part of me knew that her teacher must love this daily offering.

This same school year, on February 16, 1998, Katie died. It was a holiday - Martin Luther King, Jr. Day. Katie had been sick with a cold, but nothing we thought was too serious. We had been in touch with her doctor. They didn't even want us to bring her to the clinic because of all the respiratory viruses going around. So we just took care of her the best we knew how. The night before she died, I fed her warm, liquid jell-o because she liked it.

The next morning, she asked me to come and lie down with her. I took her to her bed and said, "I'll be right back. Let me put on a Barney video for Jonathan." So I did. In the few minutes that it took me to do that, Katie died. When I went into her room, she was unresponsive. I immediately called 911 and started mouth-to-mouth, only to hear bubbling sounds come from her lungs. The fire department was there in less than two minutes. Everything they tried was to no avail. Paramedics showed up a few minutes later. Nothing was working.

"What is happening?" I kept wondering. Jonathan crawled up the stairs after hearing the footsteps from above. I picked him up and held him. As it turns out, he didn't miss a thing...this 2 1/2 year old boy remembers almost every moment of that morning.

I called Warren to tell him to come home. He did. The paramedics took Katie in the ambulance; Warren rode with her. Somebody gave me a ride to the hospital. By the time I got there, the chaplain was waiting for me. I knew, riding to the hospital, that my little girl was not going to make it.

By some miracle, we were able to contact our family members...except for my and Warren's parents. My parents were in Illinois visiting my brother; Warren's parents were in Africa working at an orphanage. But those of us who were nearby gathered together and held hands and prayed in the ER room where Katie lay. Warren and I cut some of her hair, as keepsakes.

What does this have to do with marigolds, you might ask? Well, the next day when word began to spread about Katie's death, her teacher called me. "Mrs. Hicks, I have called every florist I can find in every part of the United States and nobody has any marigolds!" She was beside herself, needing to give marigolds back to me as an expression of her love for Katie.

So...after almost 13 years of missing my little girl, she still makes me smile when I see a marigold. And there's nothing I love more than giving a bouquet of marigolds to someone I love.

And that's all I'm going to say tonight. If you read this, God bless you...and thank you. Now you know me, for what it's worth.

XO

SHOUT OUTS About my Silent Retreat

2010-09-20T17:18:00.000-07:00

Last weekend, I attended a Silent Retreat at St. Margaret's Convent in Roxbury, MA which is a suburb of Boston. It's a beautiful place! The sisters are so welcoming and smiling all the time. The chapel is beautiful, with so much natural light shining in from the clear and stained glass windows. I went to chapel a lot, except I did not attend Morning Prayer at 6:00 a.m. on Sunday! There are very few things I do at 6:00 a.m., and I decided the night before that Morning Prayer is one of them! No guilt.

Our silence began Friday night, after supper. It was a wonderful meal of baked salmon, baked cod, lovely vegetables and fresh salad bar. I did not have dessert, so don't remember what that was. Anyway, as it turns out, I sat at a table with a husband/wife couple and another woman for dinner. We were exchanging pleasantries when the gentleman "started in on me." For starters:

"I saw your husband at the polling place last Tuesday but didn't have a chance to speak with him. How's he doing from his surgeries? Is his hip and knee behaving? Is he getting back to normal?"

I looked at him, wondering "Who are you?" Then I asked, "My husband being who?" He looked at me rather quizzically and asked, "Aren't you from St. Luke's?" I replied that yes, I was, but my husband did not have hip surgery. I went on to explain that he had had both knee and intestinal surgery. "Oh!" he exclaimed. "Well, how's he doing now?" I said that my husband was doing fine. (He still had not referred to either one of us by name.)

He then started inquiring about our son. "Is he in elementary school?" "No," I explained, "he just started at Worcester Tech."

"REALLY! How old is he?"

"Fifteen" I responded.

"WOW! That's awesome! Did he have to take a lot of advance placement courses to get in at such a young age?"

I'm beginning to wonder if this guy really does "know" me... "No, he just filled out the application and was accepted. He would have been thrilled to go to Doherty High, but was ecstatic to be accepted at Tech."

He replied, "That's amazing!"

At this point, his wife - who had been eavesdropping during her conversation with the other woman at our table - chimed in. "I heard you say your son is a student at Worcester Tech! How old did you say he was?"

"Fifteen" I replied.

"Isn't that something? What an incredible opportunity for him. And at such a young age! You must be thrilled!"

I said that, yes, we were pretty thrilled and excited for him. Then she asked me what areas of study he was looking at. "Oh, he's interested in Veterinary Asst., Culinary, Allied Health...but he's going to be exploring all of those things." And then, her face sort of fell. And then, it hit me.

"Did you think I was talking about Worcester Polytechnic Institute?" I asked. She admitted that, yes, that was the case. And then, she slapped the side of my arm and said, "If you were FROM here, you'd know that WPI was always called Worcester Tech and that Worcester Tech was previously known as Worcester Voc."

I looked her in the eye and said (without slapping the side of her arm), "Well, I live here NOW, and I know that on the front of the building it says "Worcester Technical High School."" She turned and started another conversation with the other lady.

But, the husband was not yet finished. He leaned on his elbow and wondered, "So, Mary, do you work outside of the home or do you just maintain the Rectory?"

Swallow or spit food at him? Hold my fork or stab him with it? Laugh with my mouth full or be the submissive Rector's wife he wants me to be? For some stupid reason, I became the latter and told him about my two part-time jobs. Part of me felt like he'd stripped me of my garments in front of the whole room. Part of me felt like he was one of the rudest people I've ever "not met!" Part of me wanted to just get up and walk away and maybe pass gas as I did. But I didn't. I was polite. I was me, being the nice girl.

Later, re-telling this experience to a friend, I was not saying anything kind about this man whom I do not know yet who knows so much about me! After telling Warren about this experience, he seems to recall having met this man, but doesn't recall the circumstances.

All I know is, if and when I encounter this ungentleman again, I will think long and hard before answering his questions. I will probably come up with outlandish replies to them, which I'm sure will get repeated and will come back to haunt me. But at least I'll have had the satisfaction of "not being nice" in a nice sort of way. The joke really is on him, not me.

Good grief! Would you look at the time? I've been here way too long, and have some serious Rectory maintenance to tend to! Must go and get things done so I can rise early and do my 6:00 a.m. Morning Prayers.

Not!

Going to bed mad!

2010-09-03T21:23:00.000-07:00

I'm really frustrated with my family right now. There have been "things" going on which (I think) require the attention of everyone called family. When Michael's accident first occurred, I was bombarded with text messages and phone calls updating me on his status. This is good!

Once Michael's surgery was completed, my phone and my computer became...in family terms...silent. I've been waiting for over a week to hear an update on Michael's status. The most recent update I had was from my sister Julie - who is in upstate New York - that he is home. Why did Julie know this? Because Julie is on facebook. I'm not even sure she's spoken to Amy since Michael's accident.

Well, I'm not on facebook and don't intend to be. The fact that I am being left out on updates regarding Michael's progress offends me greatly. Tonight, I sat on my porch and really did wait for my phone to ring. It didn't. I sent a text to: Amy, David, and Luana. Nobody responded.

I'm sorry I'm not there with them in Colorado! There's no place I'd rather be -- and I say that with my whole heart and my entire being. I miss my family.

Do any of those people I call "family" have any idea how hard it is to live so far away from your "entire" family? Especially with something "important" going on...I want to be there to help! I want to be there to take Amy out for coffee or out for a beer. But I can't. I'm in fucking Massachusetts...fucking Worcester! What the heck am I supposed to do? Why won't anybody be in touch with me?

When mom died, it was such a wonderful experience for me. Yes, it was sad, and tragic. But Jamie, Amy, Mark, David, Julie and I were together. Almost 24/7, we were there. We re-created the bond that had started 25 years ago. It was beautiful. It was fun. It made me a new person, because I felt like I had a new family...horrible as the whole experience was. Now? Not so much.

I miss my family. I don't want to go to bed angry with them. But my phone's not ringing, and nobody is texting me, so I guess I'll just go to bed mad.

Do I think they'll call tomorrow? Maybe. Maybe I won't feel like talking. Maybe I'll still be mad. Do I like this? NO!

I'm feeling very frustrated. And I'm still waiting for my birthday card from my dad...two weeks overdue!...that he told me a week ago was in the mail. NOT! Thanks, Dad. This is a first. Mom would be so very embarrassed. I miss Mom so much.

Yup, it's about Mom. It's not about the dysFUNctional family. It's about Mom. We're lost without her. God bless you, Patricia Jewel Johnson Hutchinson! You were here earlier, running your fingers through my new haircut, loving it. Thanks for that special moment!

As for the "rest of the family" - BIG RASPBERRIES to you. Have fun, whatever you're doing. Please don't bother to take the time to try to remember me in any of your family activities.

I'm off to bed now....MAD!!!

Time Flies...

2010-09-03T19:46:00.001-07:00

...summer is dwindling away! I was sitting on the porch tonight, watching the changes.

...Traffic on Pleasant Street has increased significantly since all the college students are returning, beginning their new "season" of study and whatever else it is that college students do, besides drive too fast down Pleasant Street...

...The light is changing, oh so rapidly! Every night, the sun sets a little earlier. It's not light at 8:00 any more, hardly even at 7:00. I'll miss the light, especially after the dreaded time change, ugh...

...The evenings are cooling times, of a sort. Today was pretty hot, so this evening was "warm" but not unbearable in comparison to the rest of the summer. I do welcome the cool evenings...

...Worcester Public Schools begin tomorrow. Buses will be filling the streets in the mornings and afternoons. Our son will take his first bus ride to high school tomorrow, catching his bus at 6:45 a.m. Whew! I will walk with him to the bus stop tomorrow, but just this once, just because I'm the mom and I need to...

...the Fall colors will soon be upon us, bringing with them the Fall coolness and the beautifully lit days. I love the Fall in New England! I know that the snow will not begin to fly until November/December. The rains will precede the snow, but we'll just stay dry and warm and light a fire in the fireplace...

...all will be well, and then before we know it Spring will shine her beautiful face in our eyes and we'll wonder, "What happened?" as we do every year. And it will all begin again, as promised.

Sometimes I think Summer is more of a "dormant" season than an "alive" season. Sometimes I think there is more to learn living through a Summer or a Winter, than through a Spring or a Fall. There are so many underlying changes going on in Summer and Winter - things we never even think about. Spring and Fall are almost the "vulnerable" seasons, where nature exposes her strengths and weaknesses in such beautiful, indescribable ways that we take more delight in them than sorrow that nature has no privacy.

Sometimes, I go through seasons in my life where I'm more vulnerable and "exposed" than I am growing and mysteriously changing. Which is better for me? I don't know the answer to that. Now that I've asked it, I'll probably pay attention. Life is strange, and beautiful. Life is complicated, and simple. Life is nothing, and creative. Life is life. Nature is nature.

We are what we are. And I thank God that I've been given this life on this beautiful place called Earth to watch and change with every season.

Thinking about feet...

2010-08-28T19:02:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking about my favorite vacation photo - the very first one, of my feet. Last year I took one just like it, and it became my favorite and my background on both my computer and my cell phone.

Searsport, Maine - August, 2010

This picture reminds me of rest and relaxation...just what feet need. It occurred to me that our feet need R&R as much as our minds do - perhaps more. When I think about all the work and abuse our feet go through in a day, a month, a year - if I was a foot, I'd have taken early retirement long ago!

This does not go without saying that my feet bother me, almost constantly. One foot has severe mid-foot arthritis from a bad sprain in a car accident 25 years ago. The other one is (finally) suffering from a sprained arch which occurred during my walking-to-high-school days...wearing heels, usually. Go figure. Time does take a toll on us!

But I love my feet. And I love to "dress them up" either by beautiful shoes, or with a pedicure. I've only had one pedicure this year, as it took me forever to get my feet looking good enough to "expose" them to anyone publicly who would have to treat them with care. After that pedicure, however, I felt new and pretty. It was a good thing!

As the pedicure begins to show its wear, and the weather gets cooler, I'm confronted with what shoes to wear. I have way too many shoes in my closet, and the ones I do wear on a regular basis do not begin to outnumber the pairs left in my closet. Kind of sad, isn't it? There's nothing worse than shoes nobody wears, if you ask me!

The other day I pulled out a pair of sandals that had not been worn in a couple of years. My hammer toe was giving me fits, so comfort was of utmost importance. As soon as I put these shoes on, I knew that I'd been missing out on something good for too long. They held my feet lovingly all day, and now I want to wear them every day.

Criss Cross 08/26/2010

There's another pair of sandals that give me good comfort, too. I know I've had them for several years, but don't remember where I purchased them...wish I did, because I'd buy them in every color! The main reason I like them is because they give me a sense of "support" while allowing room for exposure. They are great!

Faves! July, 2010

Although they aren't sandals, there is another pair of shoes which gives me great comfort. They are actually men's shoes, which I bought at great discount late last summer. I wore them until the snow began to fly (they have holes in the sides of them). When summer and vacation rolled around this year, out they came. I think I wore them more than any other shoes this summer!

My Men's Shoes - August, 2010

"Sitting on my garden bench"

So...do you have favorite shoes? Do you hate shoes? Do you love shoes? Let's talk about feet and caring for them, and how they take us from place to place. If you were one of your feet, what would you tell yourself?

Happy end of summer. Pretty soon, I'll post pictures of my "warm" shoes...which doesn't sound like much fun right now, but maybe I'll have a new pair to show off by then!

Rainy Day Randomness

2010-08-23T19:27:00.000-07:00

It's been seven days since we pulled into the driveway last Monday, after almost two weeks away...relaxing, reading, soaking up the sun. At first, the "re-entry" was fairly easy. Then, all of a sudden, life began to happen.

On Wednesday, Warren returned to work to hear that the father of one of our parishioners had died. So, he began the process of planning a memorial service...

Our nephew, who has been suffering from Krohn's Disease, had a bad reaction to the steroid treatment he'd been administered. Lots of questions and worry about all that, especially as he's getting ready to become a Junior in high school...

Our son, who was an absolute delight and banner child on vacation, disappointed us greatly with his bad choice one afternoon when he was left alone. It wasn't life threatening, and it didn't hurt anyone. Nonetheless, it made us question our trust...

My sister was supposed to come visit for the weekend, to celebrate my birthday with me. The morning she was to drive out, she called to say she was sick and couldn't come...

Part of us was happy about that, because we can't afford to be sick right now. But to me, it would have been nice to have somebody here for my birthday. I love my birthday...

...Warren had to go to Springfield on Friday for a meeting. He called in the morning to see if we wanted to go see the Worcester Tornadoes play that night. "Sure! Great idea!" So, we went to the game (which they won in the bottom of the 8th) and saw the Friday Night Fireworks that went along with our ticket. Great show!!...

...while we were there, Warren got a text from our friends' daughter, Laynie, that she had committed to Holy Cross College (in Worcester) for Volleyball in the fall of 2011. We were so excited to hear that news! We started figuring out how we could get tickets and re-learn how to score volleyball before she got here...

...Saturday, my birthday arrived. There was a card from my brother and one from a parishioner in the mail. My mother-in-law had sent a package earlier in the week, which I was saving. Warren was doing the funeral Saturday morning, and Jonathan had decided to caddy, so I spent the morning quietly by myself. There's nothing like reading the Telegram & Gazette, drinking coffee, and eating little slices of hard salami to make a person happy! I was having a great day...

...Jonathan called for a ride home. We stopped by the Anniversary Open House at Tatnuck Pet Store on the way back. I had a free hot dog; Jonathan had some popcorn. We picked up free samples of dog food, and talked to the guy about what kind of fish Jonathan should consider to live with his shark in his tank...

...Warren was home when we got back. He and Jonathan went off "to do some monkey business." I had a 3 p.m. manicure...

...shortly after I got home with my beautifully polished nails, I received a text message from my sister, Amy: "Michael has a broken pelvis and will have surgery tomorrow." I read it to Warren and he said, "CALL HER RIGHT NOW!"...

...Michael had been broadsided at a big intersection on the west side of Denver, near where they live in Golden. Someone ran a red light and T-Boned him. Their 10-year-old son, Tony, was in the back seat (thankfully on the passenger side of the car) and seemed to be okay, but was taken by ambulence to the hospital with his dad...

...by the time Amy got a call and figured out where the accident was and arrived there, Michael and Tony had already been transported. The police asked her to stay and give them information regarding insurance, etc. She still did not know if Tony had been hurt, and did not know the extent of Michael's injuries. She was frantic, to say the least. When she left, she headed for St. Anthony Hospital - not too far away - and rushed into the ER...

..This is a brand new facility, and apparently they aren't even open for patients yet. She found out that her loved ones were at the St. A's Central, several miles to the east. As she was rushing out of the ER there, the security guard stopped her and said, "I need you to calm down. It wouldn't be good for you to be in an accident on your way to Central, would it?" Poor Amy! She didn't know what to do but get in her car and drive...

...She arrived at St. A's Central and rushed into Tony's room in the ER. When he saw her, they both started crying. (This is the part I can really relate to...and cry about...) She was so happy to see him, to see him whole and acknowledging her and wanting her to love him...

...Michael was in a nearby room. The diagnosis is a broken pelvis, which will require surgery (now scheduled for 8/24). After surgery, he will require at least 8 weeks of non-weight-bearing on his hip, which pretty much means he can't even begin rehab until at least eight weeks after his surgery is completed. It's going to be a long road...

...Warren fixed us a great meal for my birthday: Rib Eye steaks with roasted new potatoes and green beans, fresh corn on the cob, and Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream for dessert! I opened my presents after dinner (just like I used to do as a kid!) and it was a happy time, spiced with worry for Amy and Michael and Tony...

...Sunday was sort of the real "back to work" day for Warren, what with having to preach and all. It's really draining, sometimes even for me. I can't explain it. Being a Rector's wife is interesting. Yes, it's interesting...

...Sunday afternoon we were all so tired! We sat around, and then Warren and Jonathan went upstairs to watch a movie. I came in towards the end, right during the really stressful part. When it was over, we were all exhausted...

...Warren fixed another awesome meal. We had downloaded "Date Night" to our NetFlix and decided to spend the evening watching that. I almost immediately fell asleep after it began! By the time it was over, I had "napped" and could not get to sleep for the life of me. So I sat up and played Hearts on my computer for a couple of hours...

...This morning, we all went out to breakfast to the Miss Worcester Diner, a.k.a. Miss Woo. What a great breakfast! I won't tell you what we had, but will say that we all got some exercise of some sort this afternoon, despite the rain...

...I got cabin fever after being inside for almost two days due to the rain, so took myself out of the house and went bumming. It was a good outing! Picked up some things we needed, and a couple of things I'll probably need sometime...

...another great meal tonight: Italian Sausage Panini with roasted cauliflower and fresh, green salad...

...then the phone rang. Our friends from Austin are in such deep distress. Their daughter has made a really bad choice in behavior, which could ruin her chances for a college future with scholarships of any kind. Warren and I are heartbroken for them...

...and exhausted from the week. Thank goodness we were refreshed when it began, otherwise we'd be unable to function. This week has made me realize how important it is for people to get away from the day-to-day and really take time to relax and not feel pressure from outside sources. We felt like that's what we did on our vacation. Thank goodness we did...

...tomorrow will be a nother day. Jonathan starts his high school orientation tomorrow; I go to work at St. Andrew's; Warren will be in the church office...

...welcome back to the madness! Here we go again...

2010-08-18T06:11:00.000-07:00

Vacation thoughts and some sharing...

We left Worcester and headed for Glens Falls, NY...well, Fourth Lake, to be totally correct (you'll have an easier time finding Glens Falls on a map). We spent two nights with Julie and Steve at "High and Dry" and it was a great time. Julie and Jonathan had fun in the lake on Wednesday afternoon while Steve took a nap (on the beach...in his chair), Warren read a book, and Mary just did some serious people watching. We had two glorious lunches and dinners with them. Jonathan, Julie, and I spent lots of time on that wonderful screened-in porch they have. Skip was pretty well-behaved. Once we figured out he was troubled by the squirrel-with-the-prickly-tail statue, and we moved it, he calmed down considerably in his crate on the porch. Thursday morning we headed out to Maine.

The rain caught up with us as we entered New Hampshire and crossed Vermont, and it was sort of a drizzly/foggy drive. But so beautiful! We saw mountains -- bigger than we knew existed in this part of the country. It was great to drive through the towns and feel like we were in Colorado, as many of them have more winter tourist business than they have summer tourist business. So many new, wonderful sights.

When we finally pulled in to Searsport Shores Ocean Campground in Searsport, Maine we were engulfed in fog. Setting up camp was fast and furious, but it felt so good to be there that we just kept working until we were done. It was after 8:30 when we finally finished, then we were off to find dinner...which turned out to be "Pizza Hut Italian Bistro" in Belfast. Who knew? We all actually enjoyed our dinner and went back to camp ready for a good night's sleep. It had been a long day.

Friday morning greeted us with bright sunshine and a beautiful low tide. Warren and I set up our chairs, and the hammock, and began our job of "unwinding" -- which took a couple of days to actually accomplish. Jonathan was off on his bike making new friends, meeting old friends, and becoming a helper of Steve, the campground owner. Steve encouraged Jonathan to attend the clam digging demo on Saturday afternoon, and Jonathan decided to buy a 3-day license. His first day out, he dug 11 clams. His third day out, however, he was able to dig up 30 nice clams. We had a great dinner that night, and Jonathan invited Steve down and saved him the biggest clam.

Jonathan ended up helping Steve a lot around the campground, and Steve was so very encouraging and a very good friend. Warren and I kept a close eye on Jonathan from afar while we sat and read, napped, read, walked on the beach, and read some more. Our most extensive conversations were about what to have for dinner. I did most of the grocery runs to Tozier's but didn't mind. Warren did almost all of the cooking, and didn't mind. It was all so good. We only ate out five times in 10 days.

One "eat out" day was at Young's Lobster Farm in Belfast. OMG, it's always so good! We sat on their outdoor patio on the wharf and enjoyed every minute of our lobsters. Another "eat out" was in Rockland. We'd driven down their for an art festival. When we arrived, we found out it was a $12 admission, and pets weren't allowed. So we decided not to pay $12 each to walk around and spend money on festival food. Instead, we went across the street and ordered Lobster Rolls to go. They were incredible! Toasted buns loaded with lobster claw and knuckle meat, drizzled with a touch of mayo. Man, oh man - it was like heaven. My only complaint is that by the time I ate, I was so hungry I couldn't really enjoy the feast. It was the best Lobster Roll I've ever had, by far.

We spent one day in Belfast, just being tourists. We ate at a local diner...it was okay. After we ate, we went strolling and window shopping. Jonathan found a camouflage shirt at the Army/Navy store and was ecstatic! Warren and Jonathan dropped me off at the Co-Op so I could check it out while they drove out to the smoked salmon company (whose products Warren used to sell). I discovered a bevy of wonderful edible treasures there, and Warren and I decided he would drive back and meet me there. While I was waiting, I walked next door to a little shop...

...and upon entering the shop heard the screeching of wheels, silence, a scream, and lots of loud voices...in that order. I said out loud, "That did not sound good!" I walked out of the shop and over to Main Street and turned right. Just in front of the Army/Navy store, someone had "hit the gas" thinking he was in reverse and hit a stroller containing a small child. Luckily, the child was not injured. No buildings were damaged. It really shook me up to see all of this happening. The man who was driving the car had a 3-year old son in his car seat, and his son was terrified. I watched that man get his son out of the car and comfort him, all the while reeling over what he had just done. I wanted to help him, but the fire department showed up and shooed everyone away so they could do their job. The next day, I bought the Belfast newspaper and the pictures and story just horrified me. But, the best part is that nobody was seriously injured. It was almost like witnessing a miracle.

Warren took several good paddles out to the island, which is so good for him. I stayed back, walking Skip on the beach or reading or napping...all in all, I read 7 books this trip - one more than last year! One, "On Folly Beach" I loaned to our camping neighbor. She wasn't quite finished with it when they left on Sunday, and was ready to go buy one and read the end. I told her to "take it with you, finish it, and share it!" She was so happy. I'd recommend that book to anyone who enjoys historical fiction. Another book I read, "Charlie St. Cloud" still has me mesmerized. This is a book you must read - before you see the movie, which I intend to see very soon. It's the kind of book you have to go back and read some parts because it's so incredible. Would love to know what you think!

During my walks on the beach, I picked up lots of little rocks, shells, and sea glass. I had bought a cheap plastic bowl at Ocean State Job lot to keep it all in. On Saturday night, I poured it all out and made a "Sea Lover's Pizza" collage of it all. It was so much fun to show to our neighbors! Now, I'm trying to figure out how to reconstruct it and make it permanent here in Worcester. Glass? Wood? Other ideas? My last morning on the beach, there was "something big and blue" settled on a rock. I mapped my way through the kelp and finally reached this "thing" which turned out NOT to be a bag filled with $100 million dollars (as I'd led myself to believe while imagining what I was going to find), but a helium balloon from who-know-where which had become entangled around a piece of kelp and brought in by the tide. Now I understand how those plastic balloons can be so bad for small animals AND FISH. I also found "my rock" and used it to pop that balloon when I got back to the campground!

Monday morning was foggy, and as we began loading up it became more and more dense. We were pretty damp by the time we finally got everything locked up and connected and ready for the trip back to Worcester. Only one hour late, we stopped into the office. Steve was there, and it was hard for all of us to tell him goodbye. But we've already made our reservations for next year! That is exciting, knowing we've finally learned how to VACATE and relax.

We stopped in Kittery, ME at Bob's Clam Hut for fried clams/scallops on the way back. The traffic in Kittery was bumper to bumper...amazing to us, since we'd seen nothing like this since the accident in Belfast! While we sat outside eating our lunch, watching the traffic trickle by, Warren and I both agreed that it was more like Las Vegas than a small town in Maine. We were so happy we didn't have to ever spend more than about 90 minutes a year there, eating fried clams! We were in and out in a flash, and happy to head back to Worcester.

SoulCollage Blog Party - July 31, 2010

2010-07-09T19:37:00.000-07:00

Hello friends,

I'd like to invite you to participate in this first-of-its kind event on July 31st. Here are some links to let you know more about the process of SoulCollage, something I've been involved with for nearly three years. I truly believe in this creative art form. Here are a few of my own cards.

I am the one who cares about the future of our children.
I am the one who knows that life comes out of tragedy.
I am the one who holds the future in my hands.
I am the one whose heart burns with the desire for our earth to be healed.

For some helpful insights and knowledge of SoulCollage, you can also visit http://www.kaleidosoul.com

Mary

http://bit.ly/soulcollageblogparty

Post-Vacation Thoughts/Thanks

2010-07-08T21:03:00.000-07:00

Just under 48 hours ago, we returned from five days together in Denver...home? I'm not sure about that, but it comes close. Anyway, I just wanted to say a few things about this trip.

First of all, we left feeling as if it was going to be completely "family occupied" which isn't such a bad thing, it's just not what we really wanted to happen. God is good! Here's what actually happened.

When we realized that the family greeting of Jonathan, Adam and David from Space Camp at DIA was not going to involve a family outing for dinner and discussion of their week in Huntsville, Warren and I were thinking...hey! We have a free evening and nobody but us knows about it! I suggested we call Durlin' (one of my longest and dearest friends). Warren said, "Call!" So I did...and, thankfully, she called back a few minutes later. As it worked out, we spent the evening with Durlin' (Debbi) and Les and Les fixed us a wonderful meal and we all had a wonderful time catching up and just re-energizing our love for each other. What a gift!

Saturday was pretty much family-oriented, which was a good thing. Jonathan had good times with his cousins on my side of the family, and lots of folks showed up to celebrate Jonathan's 15th birthday. It was a long, wonderful day with family and friends.

We'd thought long and hard about where to go to church on Sunday, and finally decided on St. John C's in Golden, where our dear friend Tim Thaden is Rector. We sent Jonathan in ahead of us and, as expected, Tim did not recognize him. After an "uncomfortable" greeting (Jonathan had a mouthful of Egg McMuffin...go figure), Tim looked out the window and spied me and Warren in the parking lot. He was astounded to realize that the young man he'd just greeted was Jonathan Hicks. We had a great reunion, and enjoyed so much sharing Eucharist with Tim and his flock. Unfortunately, Kathy Thaden was busy at the Cherry Creek Arts Festival that morning, so we missed her...boo!

Off to the Heim's house -- great 4th of July celebration -- we cooked kabobs on the grill and had a really nice time with family, which included Uncle Rich who drove down from Ft. Collins to be with us. The rain put a bit of a damper on the fireworks displays, but it cooled things off enough that it just didn't matter! We had a good, long day and were so happy to get back to Julie & Steve's house in Capitol Hill and just unlax, with nobody around to be bothered by. God is good.

Monday, by some happy glitch, we were able to schedule "breakfast" with our good friends Steve and Karen into our schedule. It was as if we'd been there last week...we hugged and kissed and got that out of the way, and then we were "off to the races" with our disconnected conversations and insights and jokes. We made so much noise, their neighbors closed their windows! FUN, FUN, FUN. Thank you, God. You are so very good! What a gift, to spend those few hours with those wonderful, dear friends.

On our way back to Golden, we'd re-connected with the Thadens, who live about two miles from Amy. So we did a "drive by" their house and were able to hug Kathy and have some chips and salsa with our dear friends. Another gift, as we never expected to see anyone other than family our entire visit. God is so good!

Once we were back at Amy's, it was all about family but it was all good. Dad and Olga arrived, and the party began. Michael sang; the boys played their instruments; the boys played baseball; the boys played and played and played. We have a wonderful family, and everyone was so gracious to spend so much of their time with us.

Tuesday, we got up early and packed up and locked up Julie & Steve's house. We drove up to W. 32nd Ave. and found a restaurant open. It was about 9:00 when we arrived. I ordered chile rellenos (so did Jonathan), and Warren ordered a bowl of menudo. Yum, yum, yum, yum! Our visit was now complete with the addition of Mexican food.

On our way to meet Jerry Heim to take us to the airport, we drove by our old houses in North Denver. They all look pretty good...a little worse for the wear, but sort of the same. It was the first time I did not feel sad seeing them. I'm not sure what that means, but I think it's important to remember.

Now we're back in Worcester. I can't say that I'm "home" because I don't think I can identify where my home is right now. That's sort of a sad feeling, but exciting in the fact that there are so many possibilities! We are so looking forward to our "relaxing" vacation next month in Maine, where we park our pop-up camper and read and sleep and watch the ocean currents and eat lobster and don't have to go anywhere or do anything.

God is so very good. And so are you, if you've taken time out of your busy life to read this!

XO

2010-06-28T08:37:00.000-07:00

It's hotter than blazes here today, but that's not why I'm here. On Blissfully Art Journaling, today's journal prompt was to "write about your dog." That idea didn't really appeal to me, so I went out on the porch to catch some of the slight breeze. At one point, I looked down at my feet and was literally shocked to see that there was dog poop all over the soles of my flip flops! It was dry, so I hadn't discovered it in the house - it had happened last night. When? I couldn't remember walking in the grass in the dark. Dumbfounded!

I took off my shoes and walked through the house to go put them on the deck to clean. When I opened the door, the deck was all wet from a "recent scrubbing and washing" by my husband. I heard him behind me, "I already cleaned it up!" Great, I thought -- glad I didn't know there was a mess, but wish I'd known when I came out here last night and didn't turn on the light! Anyway, I put my shoes in the bucket by the door -- just too hot right now to worry about them. And I looked down into that bucket and thought, "That just about sums up life sometimes: I just put my shitty shoes in the bucket until I feel like cleaning them up."

Well, that's all for now. I'm going to get my work done so I can go upstairs and turn on the window air conditioner in the TV room and just veg for the rest of the day. Maybe tomorrow I'll clean my shoes. Maybe not!

Happy Being Unhappy??

2010-06-21T20:37:00.000-07:00

My older sister called me tonight, and she's probably regretting it! She asked me if I was excited about my upcoming trip "back home" and I pretty much let her have it...

"How can I be happy about a trip that allows me no time for myself? As it is, I'm already pissing people off about this time together, and that's only one person! I'm sick and tired of flying into Denver and speeding around trying to please people! It's impossible! I don't want to do it any more! I didn't even want to make this trip!" Etc., etc., etc.,...wherein my "sister with the most caring, loving heart in the world said, "Whoa! It's time for me to go eat dinner! I'll talk to you later in the week!""

Yup, that's how I feel. And I'm okay with it. It doesn't feel great, but it's what I am right now. And I'm learning not to care what others think of me, so if I decide I want to be unhappy about making this trip, it's my stuff. I'm sure that, once I get there, I'll be fine. Amy (baby sis) and I will have some time together and I'll spend the first night with her. The rest of the time? I have no clue...haven't been part of the planning process! I'm just sort of waiting for folks to tell me where to go and where to sleep and where to eat. Then, four days later, we'll all fly home together -- one happy family! LOL

The part that is so hard for me is that I've realized there is nowhere I can call "home" any more. I have no place that we "own" - I don't have my parent's home to stay at in Denver - I don't have anywhere in Denver that is even considered home any more. Do I miss Denver? NO! Do I miss people in Denver? YES! There is a big difference, but I no longer call Denver my home.

And part of me thinks I'd feel differently about things if we owned a home where we are. But we don't. We live in a Rectory -- on a busy street, right next door to the church -- with neighbors on our other side, really close, who trim our trees and drive me crazy....and they speak very little English. Yes, I'm lonely! And, even worse, I'm bored out of my mind. Being bored is one of the hardest things I've ever experienced in my entire 57+ years of living.

I wish I knew how to become "unbored" but I do not. Working two part-time jobs has not seemed to solve the problem, only enhance it. Going to work was my ultimate reason out of boredom. It just hasn't been successful. Should I apologize? Maybe only to myself, since it's me that needs to figure out the next step. So, "Self! I am sorry! Hopefully the next adventure will be more fulfilling, and you won't feel like you've been dropped into a vat of boredom. My promise to you is to find something unique - something fulfilling - something FUN - for you to do...money or no money involved. You deserve to feel happy and at home. My intention is to make that happen for YOU.

There! I've said it. Keep watching!!

XO
Mary

Found it...

2010-06-18T06:49:00.000-07:00

...don't even ask me where it was, or how it got there. Oh dear!

I've been reconsidering many things lately. Like, "Why do I worry so much about what others think of me?" and "Does it matter that I'm not a clean freak like some people I know?"

Simple questions.

Simple answers, becoming more often "NO!!" I'm so proud of myself!

Recently some family "conversations" have gotten the best of me - to the point where I said, "I'm going to have to stop talking to you now, because I need to really think about what I need to say next!" This is not baby steps. This is huge.

And I do get back to them. And, hard as it is, I've said exactly what I've needed to say. It scares the hell out of me. But I have to get this sh*t out of my head! I can't hold it inside any longer. So, taking the time to think it through and being thoughtful in my response is BIG GIRL STEPS.

And, I don't really care about what they think of me because of it.

Part of me hopes they're wondering, "Gee! What got into Mary?" The other part of me hopes they're saying, "Wow! Mary is really learning how to take care of herself!" Unfortunately, the "baby steps me" hears the former much louder than the latter.

I had a nice talk with my son this evening. During our discussion, I expressed to him that "I'm just going to stop worrying about what other people think of me!" He said, "Mom, that's a good thing!" He is so smart. But the most important thing - and I stressed this to my son - is to "get that sh*t out of my head so it doesn't take over my life. My intent was to try to teach him to not be like me...this middle-aged woman who has let worry eat most of her lunches for the past 45 years. Even though we're not genetically related, my son is my most important life thing right now. He always will be. I don't know where or who he comes from. But I want to be able to show him how to live freely and honestly and without regret. I don't want him to be like me...like I have been. But I'm changing!

Awhile back, I wrote in my journal something that still strikes me as very poignant every time I read it. It says,

"Home is only a NOITCELFER of who you are.
Maybe you can't go home;
but you can be the person you've become
for having been there.
Hold your home in your heart!
Keep it beating...always a part of YOU.
It's okay to be homesick.
Love who you were there, but
LIVE WHERE YOU ARE!"

So, there you have it. Here I am. Watch me...and keep reminding me, please!

Thought For The Day

2010-06-18T06:43:00.000-07:00

This is strange...I posted a new entry here just the other night, and it's nowhere to be found. I do not like it when that happens!

Anyway, part of what I wrote was about how I'm really working on making this my home, and accepting my life here in Central Massachusetts:

Home is only a NOITCELFER of who you are.

Maybe you can't go home;

but you can be the person you've become for having been there.

Hold your home in your heart! Keep it beating...always a part of YOU!

It's okay to be homesick.

Love who you were there,

but live where you are!

Reminiscing

2010-06-07T06:15:00.000-07:00

A funny thing happened this morning. I belong to a group of "eclectic" artist-type folks. One of them posted some pictures from her Tumblr account, showing shots of her garden's growth and progress. It reminded me that I used to have a blog on Tumblr, and then I discovered it's still there. And I really enjoyed looking back through it and seeing how things "used to be" about 2-3 years ago! If you'd like to have a look, here's the link: http://worcesterrfw.tumblr.com/

It's been awhile since I posted anything significant here...life has been up and down and sideways, sort of. I feel like the merry-go-round is slowing down and my feet will be firmly on the ground soon. Thank goodness, because I'm not good with whirlwind and overstimulation and too much, too much, too much - in my heart and in my head and in my life. Ugh. Just slow all of me down, Lord, and give me a few days of nothing. Hey, I can dream, can't I?

Jonathan is off to school for his first Final of the year - this one today is English. He should do fine. Tonight, he and his dad are going to see The Dave Matthews Band somewhere east of here. I was invited, but had personally never heard of the DMB until talk of this concert came up. Maybe part of my wish (see above) is going to happen after all! They will leave right after Jonathan gets out of school, have a little tailgate party with leftover Chinese food, go to the concert and get home pretty late. I'm sure they'll have a great time. I'm pretty sure I'll have a great time, too!

It's been a busy weekend filled with RAIN, RAIN, RAIN,dancing at the church picnic that we moved indoors, crying at the double baptism of two beautiful sisters yesterday morning, being with incredible folks and feeling like family, and noticing my body go down, down, down and by the time I went to bed last night I had no voice and a really sore throat. Today my throat is better, but I still sound like a frog.But I have a beautiful garden! Happy Monday!

Today's Journal Prompt

2010-05-17T05:40:00.000-07:00

I am a member of an online group called Blissfully Art Journaling. It's a great group of people, and we talk about all kinds of things from A-Z.

Today's prompt was to write about your most vivid childhood memory. I wanted to share my response with you here.

I'm going to write the first thing that came to my mind. It's sort of bittersweet, but it will be good to write it down!

At the end of the school year, when I was in 5th grade, my little sister died of leukemia. She was five years old. It had been a long struggle for my family - the hardest part (I realize now) being that the kids were "protected" from it all by never knowing what was going on for certain.

Anyway, the day of her funeral people were invited back to our house for lunch. Many people had provided food, so there was a lot of it. Our house was full of people whispering, ignoring me but taking care of their own needs, and I could not stand it. I blindly fixed myself a plate and went out to our back yard to sit at the picnic table. As I began to eat, I realized there were PEAS in the tuna casserole, and was immediately grossed out. I did not like peas in much of anything, let alone tuna casserole! So I sat there, by myself, picking the peas out of my food. After quite awhile, it occurred to me that I was still alone. This made me very sad, and I wondered if anyone was going to come outside and hug me. Nobody did. Eventually, I went back inside and stood - invisibly - in the kitchen corner.

It was one of the loneliest times of my life. And it took me years to realize that I just need to be unafraid to telling people what I need. I still struggle with this, even now in my fifties. But when I'm honest with myself and others about what I need, things are so much easier. Many years later I was able to work through my grief over my sister's death. Doing so saved my life, as about six months later our own daughter died very suddenly at the age of seven. If I'd still been hiding my grief over my sister, I'm not sure I'd be here today to tell you this story.

Be true to yourself! Don't be afraid of what others might think of you. Saying things out loud - even to a mirror - is better that letting them eat your tuna casserole!

Mary

What a difference a day makes!

2010-04-19T19:46:00.000-07:00

Monday, April 19, 2010
Day 1 of Spring Break, 2010

Compared to yesterday, today was a piece of cake.

Compared to yesterday, today was fairly acceptable.

We (Jonathan and I) slept in. I got up about 7:30, but let him sleep until almost 10 a.m. Last night was late, what with all the ranting and raving going on.

When I woke up, the first thing I thought about was last night. I felt very tired. I'm just bouncing back from a virus, and felt like maybe I needed to go back to bed...for about a week. But I got up. I made coffee. I sat on the front porch. I drank coffee. I felt good. Thank God.

After Jonathan took care of Skip (the dog), I told him to shower and dress and get ready to go. We had things to do; places to go. 30 minutes later, I went up and told him "that's long enough!" and he turned off the shower. 30 minutes after that, I asked "Jonathan, what are you doing?" His reply was, "I'm getting ready to go!"

My pockets were so heavy. All I could say was, "Please hurry."

It was around Noon when we finally set out. He wanted me to take him bowling. "Jonathan, we have to get gas, go to the bank, and go to Target. I'm not sure if bowling is going to fit into out plans today." As far as his 14-year-old mind knew, everything was right in the world.

We went to the bank. He got a free pen. We filled up with gas. He had a nice conversation with Ed, the owner. "Mom, why does he always dress up?" he asked. "Because he's the boss!" I replied. Off to Target.

Call me a bad mom, if you must. The reason we went to Target was to buy me new underwear and bras. I did not allow Jonathan to leave my side. My phone rang; it was my sister. I handed her over to Jonathan, who was more than ELATED to take her call...anything to get away from looking at bras with his mother! Poor baby.

We descended upon the Women's department. "Mom, can I go down to Sporting Goods and meet you there?" Hmmm..."Okay, but don't leave that area. I'll be there in a few minutes." When I got there, he was nowhere to be found. I went around the store twice. I almost panicked, until I saw him. "Why didn't you stay where I told you to?" "Because I went looking for you, because you never showed up!" he replied. "Hey mom! Do you want to see if there are any good books?" I love my son, I really, really do.

We left Target, nearly $100 poorer, but happy with what we had...who isn't happy about new underwear and bras?! Jonathan hadn't had the time of his life, but he was okay. We did not go bowling. We came home. He took care of the dog "because it's part of how you love your pet" I reminded him. "Whatever" was his reply.

Jonathan chose turkey GLOPP for dinner. He was so happy, and excited that there's enough left for his breakfast in the morning. Right now, he's upstairs watching the movie, "Little Shop of Horrors." Tomorrow, he's spending Day 2 of Spring Break 2010 with me - at work - because I still don't trust him. It makes me sad, but it's for his own good...and my peace of mind. It's not my first choice, but it's the best choice.

God bless every parent out there who struggles with "entertaining" their children during a week-long break. Some kids have it better than others. Jonathan has it pretty good, in my eyes. Some day he'll get it.

Friday we will meet Warren in Connecticut and drive to New York City for the weekend. We get to go to the Statue of Liberty, Ground Zero, MOMA, and we have a really nice hotel to stay in! It's going to be great. Jonathan is not very excited.

Well, he's only 14.

God bless us all.

Pockets full of...

2010-04-18T22:09:00.000-07:00

...not trusting you.

I dislike that introduction very a lot. It is all about my incredibly loving, warm, sincere son whom I love with all my heart and soul and being. It hurts me to write this!

But I have been deceived. Lied to. My heart has been ripped open, and a piece of me died today. All because my teenage son decided it was more important to lie to me than to tell someone else, "No!"

I've cried. I've yelled. For a few hours, I wouldn't let him be in a room without me in it. I did not trust him.

In one of my pockets is his cell phone. Off limits, due to trust issues. In my other pocket is his iTouch. Off limits, due to trust issues. Internet? I don't think so! Not for a good long while. But I refuse to carry a computer in my pocket.

I know teenagers are mixed up and growing and changing and learning and figuring all at the same time. Some days, I'm surprised he wants to get up and do it all over again. Part of me thinks I would just beg illness. But he does get up. He goes to school because he enjoys it. Not so much for the academics (drat!), but because he needs to be with his peers. He loves his teachers, too. What parent doesn't want that for their child?

Right now, though, I'd rent him out for $2 an hour. Any takers? He's great at conversation, and will knock your socks off if you talk politics with him (best if you're a Democrat, I might add). He'll say the blessing over your meal and never even wince at being asked. And he's pretty good with etiquette, if you make sure the salad bowl is in the right spot.

There's no way I'd wish to be 14 again. I've been there; I've done that; I do not want to ever go through that agony again. So I try to be patient. But now I'm the parent. I try to remember if I ever pulled anything like this? Maybe? Most of me says, "No way!" but then, what the heck do teenagers remember? Why would I keep that memory?

I could ask my Dad, but part of me thinks that one of the roles of being a parent is to "conveniently forget" things your children did as teenagers. Once they become responsible, self-sustaining adults, who wants to talk about the arguments and denials and b.s?

My pockets are filled with "I don't trust you" things tonight. They'll remain full until it feels safe to give them back...which might be awhile! But, as I told my wonderful, loving son earlier this evening: "There is nothing in this world that could take away my love for you, be it anger, distrust, disappointment...whatever happens - whatever becomes of you - I will be your mother and I will love you!"

Hopefully...that sounds so selfish!...some day, he will repeat those words to his own teenager.

Shoulder Squeezes

2010-02-14T14:22:00.000-08:00

Today is one of my least favorite holidays, which makes me sad, because for most of my life so far I really loved Valentine's day.

It was twelve years ago today that I took Katie shopping for a Barbie doll for her friend. She'd been invited to a birthday party - her first "invitation party" at the skating rink, and was so excited! She didn't skate, but did eat lots of ice cream! I wish I could remember her little friend's name, but I don't.

Two days later, Katie died. So, you see, Valentine's Day is often the "tip of the iceberg" so to speak. This year, it definitely was.

Jonathan greeted me this morning with a beautiful red rose and a box of Russell Stover's chocolates, from both he and Warren. Later, I went to church, feeling fine and relieved at the joy in my heart. When I sat down, my friend Regina handed me a valentine and a little heart-shaped box of chocolates. How very sweet! I was touched, but that gesture of love touched off emotions inside of me that I just wasn't expecting. Even after twelve years, I never know how I'll react or respond to today.

As I allowed the tears to come (I learned years ago not to deny these bursts of emotions), my eyes drifted up towards the stained glass window of the Good Shepherd. It's beautiful, and I look at it a lot. Jesus is standing there, cuddling a little lamb while other sheep are gathered around him. Today I tried to imagine Jesus cuddling Katie in his arms ("instead of that stupid lamb," I said to myself from the pew). Well, that didn't work! Then I thought, "Well, maybe today's the day and maybe Katie is here and is going to pay me a visit right here during church!" So, I kept looking around for some sort of a sign of her. Nothing. Tears, and plenty of them.

After communion, someone behind me gave me a great big shoulder squeeze. It was either Regina, or her daughter, or her son-in-law. It doesn't matter, it's just what I needed: a silent gesture from someone who cared and didn't feel responsible for why I was sad, but wanted me to know that they cared. None of them cornered me after church to ask, "What's the matter?" And they won't know, unless I tell them.

Some people, I'm sure, think we "should be over it" by now. We'll never get over Katie's death. We will get through it, however, one minute and one day and one week and one month and one year at a time.

We are so very blessed to have our Jonathan! What would we do without him in our lives? I know he misses his sister, too. The dates don't mean much to him, and I'm happy he can live with his wonderful and fun memories of his big sister.

I'm going to teach him, however, to honor the emotions of other people. I'm going to teach him that saying nothing is often the very best thing to say to someone who is feeling sad. And, I'm going to teach him that a nice shoulder squeeze can sometimes be the best prescription for pain. He's a good boy. I think he'll be a good learner. We're so very proud of him!

But I miss my Katie.

The Word

2010-01-23T07:50:00.000-08:00

I'm sort of "famous" for my foul mouth, and realized recently that it's too late to save my son from my bad habit. The other day he suggested that his dad (a priest) could be "Father", he could be "Son", and I could be "Holy..." - well, have fun figuring out what the missing word is! There are several options.

Years ago I worked the Swing Shift at a public utility in Denver, Colorado. I'd been a Keypunch Operator for many years, and then transferred into the Computer Operations Department. A young co-worker named Sheila was my work partner. It was my job to "train' her...

Sheila was quite naive. She loved cars, and lived at home so she could afford to pay for her sporty, fast convertible. When she got excited, her mouth sort of foamed, and when she laughed, she always ended up spitting. These were all endearing qualities. We were friends, and we had lots of fun.

However, Sheila wasn't so anxious to be "trained" in my skill of foul language. I'd say a word that made her uncomfortable and she'd give me that head down, eyes looking up, "don't say that word" kind of look. You know the one I mean? One day, she was working and dropped something. I heard her say, "THE WORD!" Stopping in my tracks, I stared at her. "What did you say?" I asked. "THE WORD!" she replied, her mouth beginning to foam. I started to laugh. She started to laugh. There was spit everywhere. We couldn't stop.

From then on, when I was with Sheila, the term "THE WORD" became my foul language. We'd say it loud; we'd say it in our heads; we'd write it on a piece of paper. It worked.

So, I think I'm going to start utilizing "THE WORD" again. It's a bad habit to break, that of foul language. I'm way too free in using it, and it's gotten me in trouble a time or two.

Today is a beautiful day. The sun is bright, and it's supposed to get up to 40 degrees! Spring is just around the corner, or so they say. It will be a great day to take a walk and smile and be pleasant, using non-foul language. I'll take my son with me and tell him about Sheila and how much fun she was to be around. I wonder where she is today. I wonder if she still spits when she laughs! I wonder if she still drives a convertible.

I wonder if she still says, "THE WORD!"

The Word, indeed. Works for me!

Back to "Normal"

2010-01-17T10:32:00.000-08:00

The wreaths, trees, greenery, creche, lights and candles are all down. Everything is back to normal...yea, right!

Earlier this year, I went to a women's conference. the speaker remarked about her time spent saying, "This is it!" over, and over, and over, and over...until she "got" it. I think that's my definition of "normal" - "THIS is IT!" This moment is normal. If I wasn't doing this, I'd be doing something else normal.

Very often, I catch myself asking, "Why is this my life?" or "Why do I miss them so much?" It's disturbing to me when I do ask these questions, because they never really get answered. Recently, however, someone answered the second question for me. "Because they're yours," was the reply. Bingo. The answer to the first question is probably the same: because it's yours. It's almost become a mantra for me. Because it's yours. Because you're normal!

It may not always feel comfortable, but normal is just life. All the joy and hurt and excitement and disappointment and laughter and crying...Normal.

The church feels bare, being back to normal. Lots of people won't even notice. This afternoon, we're taking down our own tree and decorations...getting the house back to normal. I'll miss the tree; I'll miss sitting and looking at the ornaments and remembering the occasions they represent. But they'll be back, like normal, in mid-December.

In the meantime, this is it!

First Saturday

2010-01-02T20:00:00.000-08:00

Years ago, my family began a tradition of getting together every First Saturday of the month. It was awesome...it was a time when we all really began to enjoy each other as adults. And, as the nieces and nephews came along, it became 'the more the merrier.' My parents' house was where we met - everyone knew where it was, and how to get there. The little ones felt comfortable there. Mom would fix her special egg casserole, and the rest of us would bring "something." It was always a feast, always loud, and I'm pretty sure my mom grew to dreat the occasion, but she and dad loved nothing more than having their family together. It is still a tradition now, and my older brother Paul and his wife, Becky, tend to be the hosts since mom has died and my dad is in an apartment.

Before First Saturday began, we would all gather "impromptu" at my parents' house on Friday afternoons. That proved to be a difficult time for all of us to get together, so we switched it to Thursday. We called it "Friday Afternoon Thursday" - or FAT, for short. FAT was very popular, and sometimes very wild. Whoever could come would show up bearing some sort of appetizer. My dad would provide the rot-gut, if Julie didn't come bearing Stoly. We were a wild brood, but we had fun and we laughed and we cried and we laughed some more. And we all left happy - happy to have family we could enjoy one evening a week with. How many people can say that? I loved FAT. I don't remember when it stopped...maybe when there were grandkids and Saturdays seemed easier to get together without bedtimes and deadlines and having to get up the next morning for work. So, FAT became First Saturday.

Today, I realized, is the first Saturday of 2010. I wonder if my family in Denver got together? Something tells me, "NO!" They've been together at least three nights since Christmas Eve. Who want to see those people again so soon?! But I thought about them, and wished I could be there - even if they weren't.

It's a new year. I want it to be a better year. Better how? Good question. I'm not going to make resolutions; I'm going to make thoughtful reminders. I'm not going to make a "To Do" list. I'm just going to make a new list every day and limit it to five things that need doing. Things will get done. Some things will stay on the list for a week or two. Some things will change. Hopefully, some things will get easier - like missing my family on First Saturday.

Right now, I'm just going to hold them all in my heart and remind myself that "they are mine, and that's why I miss them so much"...even when events have me wondering, "WHY is it again that I miss them so much?" Oh, that's right, because they're mine.

Happy New Year to my family and friends. May 2010 be a year filled with happy times...and maybe a few happy surprises.

Windy day musings

2009-12-29T12:24:00.000-08:00

It is literally freezing cold - inside and out! My hands have been so cold from working on my computer. But I wanted to post some photos of my new SoulCollage cards. I used images from last year's Christmas cards to make a couple of them, which was really fun! It was good to take the time to make these, and I really need to make more, more, more.

The first card is named "New Life from New Life"; the second is "Seeking the Gift", and the third one is "Winter Wonderland."

Enjoy!

p.s. I'm typing with gloves on!

Weird...

2009-12-10T19:57:00.000-08:00

Dear Friends,

Something strange happened with some of my posts...I accidentally logged in on my "other job's" email and the posts showed up there! Anyway, all of my posts are here now and not in the correct order. It doesn't matter to me! What matters to me is that my friends are following me here, and - hopefully - sharing their own sentiments about my sentiments.

So...where are your comments, my friends?

Love,
Mary

Eating Potato Chips

2009-12-10T19:52:00.001-08:00

Thursday, November 19, 2009
I am eating potato chips. Everyone but me is in bed. The only sound I can hear is the crunch of the chips in my mouth. It's very loud!

Why am I eating potato chips? Well, mostly because my day was horrendous, and right now I am at the point of starvation...in my mind...

Yet, right now - when my mouth is empty of the crunching - all is very still. All is quiet, and it makes me think...about silence.

Do I really enjoy silence? YES!! Most of the time, I welcome it!

But there's something really soothing about the sound of these potato chips crunching in my mouth....hmmmm...let me try one more and see if I can express it better...

YES! That's it! I love being "alone" yet I love the sound of presence. Whose presence? That's the question.

Well, if you shop at BJ's, be sure to buy Archer Farms Traditional Potato Chips. They are the crunchiest, most awesome potato chips I've eaten...in a week or so.

What sounds are you creating in your mouth? What does that sound mean to you? Are they loud sounds? Are they comforting sounds?

Tell me about the sounds you hear in your head, created by your mouth.

Am I weird, or what?!

Advent

2009-12-10T18:42:00.001-08:00

Happy Season of Waiting to everyone! I do love Advent...and might admit that I look pretty good in purple, too!

The wreath is hung on the front door, it's purple ribbon flowing in the cold breeze of late. The tree is still in its box in the cellar, awaiting fresh air - hopefully this weekend! The lights are on the mantle (well, year 'round because we love them so much!), and candles are placed for ambience. Tis the season! Online orders are in transit, and there is much wrapping of gifts and packing and shipping left to do and it really is exciting!

The Deacon at our church, Jane, has for the last two years sponsored a Advent E-Devotion. She invites anyone to share a reflection for one day during Advent, and it is so much fun to read the different styles of peoples' attitudes toward the daily readings! I thought I'd share my reflection for this year, which was for Tuesday, December 8, 2009.

Today’s Readings: Morning, Psalm 26, 28;
Evening: Psalm 36, 39

Amos 7:10-17;
Rev. 1:9-16;
Matt. 22:34-46

When I was asked to write the Advent e-devotion for today, my impression of the readings was fairly bleak, leaving me to ask, “What have I gotten myself into?” Sometimes, waiting and seeing with fresh eyes can be helpful.

Psalm 28:7 acclaims, “The Lord is my strength and my shield; in him my heart trusts; so I am helped, and my heart exults, and with my song I give thanks to him.” Today, reading this for about the fourteenth time, I heard it! All this angst created by telling myself I have no business being here, sending a reflection to only Jane knows who! But today, after waiting and watching and – finally – listening, there was my message.

My heart trusts, so I am helped. My heart exults, and my song gives thanks. It happens every time I remember to put God first, then me, then everything else. And every time I do this, and it works, it makes me wonder what’s so hard about doing this every second of every minute of every hour of every day? Because I’m in too much of a hurry, because it’s too much about me.

It’s still Advent. If I slow down and listen and wait, it won’t slip away from me this year. “To thee, O Lord, I call; my rock, be not deaf to me…” If I slow down, I’ll hear and trust and exult and want to sing every day! For the Lord is so very, very good to me – all the time.

Bulletin Inserts

2009-11-25T17:48:00.000-08:00

Today was on the frustrating side for me. Jonathan had the day off from school, but both Warren and I had to work. Warren had lots of ways for Jonathan to help him out at the church. Me, I just had to drive to North Grafton and work for four hours...but I was not happy!

Something inside of me just stirred; something was not right. About 11:00, my cell phone rang. It was my little sister telling me that she was scheduled for a CT Scan this afternoon to determine the source of her recent abdominal pain. When we hung up, I almost cried.

Just the "work of the day" was very frustrating. I was trying to work with a new (to me) program to print music for Sunday's service. It became very frustrating, so I decided to do it the old fashioned way, which made me feel inadequate. Ugh. It did get done, but I'm here to tell you that four inserts in any Sunday bulletin are a bit much. They need a songbook of their own!

When I got home, I checked in on facebook. One friend had made the comment, "Doesn't seem like thirteen years. Still love you and miss you." I thought, "Who could she be talking about?" Then it hit me; she was talking about her father - one of my best ever friends in the entire universe - and that was frustrating that I didn't remember the date. But I remember Larry.

The first time I met Larry I thought he was one of the biggest dorks who ever walked on the face of the earth. Then I met his girlfriend, who was such a perfect match for him, I could not believe it! We all went out one night. I wore a fashionable mini skirt and platform heels. Debbi wore blue jeans and a sweatshirt. We hated each other.

Time wore on, and we became very close and wonderful friends. Through many trials, Larry and Debbi were always there for me. And they loved Warren. Oh, how they loved Warren! When Larry died very suddenly, I was devastated. And right after his funeral, Debbi was admitted to the hospital with pneumonia. She was sedated for over a week to clear and heal her lungs. It was such a traumatic time for her two girls. Somehow, they (and I and Les and so many others) all survived it. Debbi thankfully recovered, and I cherish our friendship still.

The girls have grown, but we still try to keep in touch. It's hard, being so far away...besides the fact that one of them is teaching in Korea! But they know how to reach me, and once in awhile we connect.

How am I feeling now? Much better, having put these worries and frustrations in writing.

Make new friends, but keep the old.

One is silver but the other gold!

If you're reading this, thanks. On this day before Thanksgiving, 2009, count your blessings and never forget those who helped make you and bring you to where and who you are today.

Blessings and love.

Having Wet Feet

2009-11-22T19:53:00.000-08:00

I am exhausted. I don't think I'll be able to sleep until I get this off of my chest, so here goes.

One week ago, my sister's husband's brother-in-law (are you with me here?) died suddenly. So, my sister (Julie) and her husband (Steve) hopped on an airplane and flew to Boston ASAP to be with his family. The memorial service was held on Thursday. Unfortunately, Warren and I were not able to attend the services.

Steve called on Wednesday to see if we were going to be around this weekend. What we heard was, "We thought we'd come out on Friday. We can go out to eat or something; we just really want to spend some time with you guys since we're so close." So, Warren and I made plans to make Friday dinner work. We figured they'd arrive around 3 p.m. and we'd sit in our (messy!) living room and re-connect and then we'd all go out to dinner and they would drive back to Boston to their hotel.

When they arrived, I was immediately suspicious. Steve asked, "Julie! Do you want to get your bag now or wait until later?" We all came into the house. Steve plugged in his computer (another curiosity-building factor) and immediately relaxed. Julie followed me into the kitchen. "So!" I asked, "How long are you guys going to be here?" She looked at me quizzically and replied, "Well, we're hoping to get a flight home on Monday, but we haven't really checked yet to see if that's possible." My mouth dropped! I asked, "Are you staying HERE with US until you get a flight home the week of Thanksgiving and I know you only will accept a non-stop flight from Boston to Denver?" She smiled and said, "Yes! Is that okay?" My mouth dropped, again.

Warren arrived home from his day's journey and I called him into the kitchen. "Did you know that they are planning to stay and try to find a flight home on Monday?" He asked, "Stay here?" I nodded, as a wife nods when she's telling her husband something he does not know. "Really?" he asked. "Really!" I replied. "I've already got the guest bedroom set up, and just need to clean the upstairs bathroom. It will be fine." He looked at me with those loving, wondering if I'm real eyes and asked, "Are you okay with this?" I replied, "Sure! It will be fine!"

I love company! We love it when people - especially from home (Denver/Colorado) come to visit us. But we're happy with company from anywhere, for the most part. The thing is, we prefer advance warning! For some reason, this is working. It feels like we jumped into an experience with wet feet, and all worked for the better. Let me explain.

Friday was my "day off" after working three days at my part-time job. I sort of had a breakfast date with a friend, but we hadn't really connected to confirm. I took Jonathan to school, and headed out towards Jake's (the breakfast place) and decided to roam around Wal-Mart until closer to 10:00, when I was due to meet my friend. It had been raining pretty hard, but had let up as I pulled into the Wal-Mart parking lot. I found a great spot right near the entrance and pulled in. I grabbed my pocketbook and turned to stand and 'ISH' I found myself standing in a puddle. I looked down at my feet, and saw the oil and transmission fluid circling around my ankles. Well, what was done was done. I locked my car and headed into the store.

Why did I go to Wal-Mart on Friday? For no reason, except to kill time until my "supposedly" breakfast date. Well, I roamed around and threw a three-pack of gum and some knee hi socks and a copper-colored stamp pad into my carriage. Time to go. Three items at Wal-Mart. When's the last time that happened to YOU? Well, the gun didn't register in my cashier's scanner. She tried and tried and tried and tried. I looked at my watch. Did I really need that gum? Actually, I did. So I let her scan some more and scan some more and scan some more. It wasn't until she decided to "turn on her checkout line light" that I said, "You know, I just really need to get into my car and warm up my feet!" She looked at the knee-hi socks on the turnstile and said, "Looks like you need to pay for these socks and get going!" I laughed. Yes, my feet were wet. I'd gone into Wal-Mart with wet feet -- to kill time. And here was this stranger telling me I needed the socks I'd put into my carriage and onto her turnstile. She didn't know anything about my feet being wet.

Life sometimes treats me like this. I step in something unpleasant and try to pretend it didn't really happen, but someone usually realizes that there's a strange odor or something, and he or she will encourage me to take care of this "concern" they have for me, but about which they know nothing. When this happens, I am really annoyed.

So, I was a little annoyed when I left Wal-Mart with my one bag filled with gum and knee-high socks and a stamp pad! I got to my car and looked at what was before me. The puddle was even deeper! My choice was to wait until the next day for the water to subside, or "take a swim" and get the heck away. I took a swim. I went to Jake's and waited, a believe it or not my friend and I hooked up for breakfast. By the time I got home, my feet were so wet and cold that I was a miserable wreck. I don't often get cold, but I was really cold.

The lesson here? Always carry extra shoes and socks? I don't think so! Maybe just a message of "be prepared; look around you before you embark; make a last minute change if the water is too deep!" I could have moved my car that morning. I chose not to. All I know is that, if you shop at Wal-Mart with cold feet, you spend less money. So this is the lesson I will remember from this experience. If you ever have this experience, I strongly urge you to go to your nearest café and order a feta cheese and tomato omelet, which will warm not only your feet, but your heart and soul because you shared it with a friend. You can always change your shoes and socks later.

Which is kind of what Warren and I did on Friday afternoon, after we realized we were having COMPANY FOR FOUR DAYS. We just put on dry socks and shoes. We were comfortable, our company was comfortable, and it's turned into a wonderful visit with people we really care about. There's nothing like the comfort of dry socks on wet feet!

2009-11-19T20:28:00.000-08:00

The very strangest thing just happened...I think I posted my blog to the blog of a friend of mine.

Anyway, I was talking about eating potato chips -- how the crunch of chewing potato chips makes such a noise in your head. Is it a welcoming noise, or is it just LOUD?

Once I finished chewing (a bite) I realized how quiet things were. I'm the only one awake in the house right now, and I like that sense of quiet...yet knowing that I'm not alone.

Yet, when I "test" one more chew of chips and realize just how LOUD they are in my head, I wonder "Do I really want these?" The answer is, YES! I always welcome the sound of potato chips in my head. They taste good. They make me happy. And, (sorry) I like picking them out of my teeth.

How do you feel about loud food? Is there a food other than potato chips that 'SCREAMS' in your head? How does it make you feel? Why do you eat it?

I'm gonna have one more potato chip and call this one finished. My love to all...XOXOXOXOXO

2009-11-17T17:05:00.000-08:00

Crazy, crazy, crazy.

Frustrating.
Sad.

So many questions.

I do not enjoy days like yesterday and today.

Please pray for the soul of Bennett. Pray for Elaine, Elana and Rebecca who must now live without him.

Pray for the dozen people at SSW who are now without jobs. Many of them are my friends. Nobody deserves what they got.

Thank goodness for professionals, like those in Dr. Fadiani's office, who today restored my faith in the importance of being on time and honoring the time of one's patients.

And, please PayPal, can you speed up that bank deposit I made earlier? We really need the money. Ugh.

Pandemonium vs. Peace

2009-11-15T14:26:00.000-08:00

I recently made a spread in my Art Journal with these words on it. Next to them, I put "Pray for peace in your heart and in your soul and in your mind and in the world."

Having just awakened from a delightful little "surprise" nap - the kind brought on by one's late afternoon reading of the Sunday paper (you know the kind, right?) - I'm feeling particularly refreshed. The dream that occurred during these few minutes of quiet respite are clear in my mind. I'm not going to write specifically about them, only to say they were total pandemonium. I woke up feeling quite peaceful. Perhaps the release of whatever pandemic thoughts brought on the dreams created a larger space for peace to come forward in my awakening. I needed it. It's been a day (already, and it's only 5 p.m!).

On top of praying for peace in all those places I mentioned, pray for children - yours, mine, theirs, his, and hers. Pray that they will know peace, and know how to want and recognize it when it pops into their mind after awakening from a dream-filled night.

2009-11-12T19:36:00.000-08:00

Hello Friends!

Finally, I have a blog! Welcome to Vermongelin -- interesting name? Let me explain.

When I was growing up, my mother used to make a dessert which was always a treat. It was called Vermongelin. Apparently, it was "invented" by her mother - MomMom, as we called her. The dish consisted of partially set jell-o, over which was poured heavy cream. Then, you took your electric hand mixer and melded it all together. You let it re-set for several hours, and called it Vermongelin.

It's been years since this treat crossed my lips. Maybe this year for Thanksgiving or Christmas.

Anyway, what it means to me is to "do what you will with what you have" and make the best of it. Even if it's not top-notch, pretend it is and have fun and taste the sensation of it.

Whether it's your life, your creativity, your spirituality...it's all what it is, because it's yours. I'm determined to make the best of what I've made of my life. This is it! (And I am not talking about the Michael Jackson movie!) THIS is it. This is IT. This IS it. THIS IS IT. Repeat until you get it.

Thanks for visiting. I hope to make your future visits to my blog well worth their time.